duno why im getting a little paranoid..
just cos i didnt receive a good night msg.. i will be a little afraid that are u starting to lessen msg?
insecurity again. :(
i hope im just thinking too much..

yea.. im just thinking too much.. ure probably too tired.. and u fell aslp.. and just forgot to reply..

i will wait patiently for u to reply later.. u will keep to your words, and not leave me alone..

as i step foot onto vivo city today.. i really felt super painful...
i was glad that they were ready to move off to another place alr..

i could sense that i wasnt in the mood for all these.. but i still did it.. the normal me already isnt very initiative into talking with ppl.. and today i just wanted to not talk.. but bonding means i cant do that. i had to still interact.. and so i did..  thou less than usual.. but well i did.. i smiled when i had to. so i guess i still managed..

towards the end, my heart was thumping fast... i was thinking.. where are you? will you come and look for me? will i get to see u today? will i get to talk to u, spend some time with you? or shld i just go off somewhere and wander alone tonight? i was nervous. i was scared. i was afraid that im gonna leave to marina sq, in tears..

but honey, thank you so so much.. thank you so much for walking up to me.. thank you so much for even thinking that my tummy isnt well and thought of having porridge for dinner. despite all that u have said the other time, u still came for me.. u still accompanied me for dinner.. u still sent me home..  u still did everything that i was hoping for.. but i hope u did all these really willingly.. and without any stress/pressure.. honestly, im really happy for all these.. these all comforted me... it tells me that my honey still thinks of me.. in your heart, i am still important. even though u still didnt talk alot to me, u are here for me..

today u look tired.. and today, u slpt on the train.. i really wanted to lean on your shoulder.. i really did.. but i had to stop myself from doing that.. instead, i watched you as u doze off.. as u involuntarily lean towards me at times.. and i was happy.. in my heart, i hope u will just lean on me.. being able to just watch u at such close proximity dozing off gave me some comfort. a little contact at the shoulder too... when i wake u up, when i pulled u to the axs machine.. thou it was just a split second, but i was happy i could grab ur arm..

the closeness on the lrt also gave me some comfort... just cos its crowded, using this excuse, i stood nearer to u.. just inches away from your shoulder.. honey... all these little little things.. meant so much to me.

honey, thank you for today.. maybe its nth much.. but i love you. for everything that you did today.. thank you. u probably cannot imagine, how all these can comfort me, and give me strength for the next few days, till i see u again on thurs.

and when i suggested to go find the bedok ice cream next time, u said ok... i was happy too.. hugs.. really hugs..

u shld know, im not having the slightest bit of letting u go.. nor am i moving on in any way.. i think u also know that the fact that im still surviving now, is really cos ure really still in my life.. ure really still here for me.. thats the sole reason why i can even eat n slp.. thou i still isnt in a good condition cos im just perpetually upset. im just getting on with life, with you still in my life. and to me, ure still my bf... thou i duno how u will take this as time passes.. but.. let us overcome this huge huge hurdle.. and come together even stronger.. my only thought in my mind now.. thou u prob arent thinking of anything now.. deep down somewhere, hopefully subconsciously thats what u think too.. u once mentioned, the fact that ure still doing all these now, it shows sth.. and i believe in that. i believe in u, i believe in us.

i duno how u feel when ure with me now.. but i hope by not touching u that much, u are more comfortable.. and hopefully, soon in time to come, u will share more with me.. and smile to me.. and naturally wanna hold me..

after i start getting pay.. i hope i can start saving a certain amt of money for us.. thou i duno what we will be like when u start working, but i kinda hope that we can maybe save $5 each every wk into a piggy bank or sth.. then that will be our money where we can use in the future to do/buy things tog...

previously i had the thought of opening a joint acct with u when we grad and we do the same too, but more cos my intention was to save for our house or things like that.. but now i think that is too much to think of.. so i changed to a piggy bank idea.. i hope we will still be going out then.. so that piggy bank could be sth for us when we go out for food or other activities...

but this is just a thought now.. i cant force u to do so.. the only thing i can do is to start this by myself first.. for u, i will..

with lots and lotsa love. hugs.

Going for bonding now...
I.... Dragged myself out of bed today..
I think I totally don't fit in. I think I'm terrible.

Smile Joey smile. No matter how much pain is inside, u still have to smile later..

Honey. Save me.. Save me please:(

------

U may think that ure actually not tt good.. There's better guys ard.. Well ya I guess so... The same goes for me too.. But I was nv envious of anyone else.. Cos to me ure the best.. Just like u, I don't have a specific reason why I love u.. It's a combination of many.. And I just do..

此时此刻，我又好想好想你。

Honestly, seeing other couples on the train on the streets.. Smiling, talking, hand in hand.. Reminds me of us... The happy us... I want those times back.. Honey... U gave me everything.. Don't take them all away now:'(

U made me the happiest person... U really did... Please stay with me now and forever..

hello body... what else do u want now? body please stay strong.. :(

i tried to consume more food today.. and even drink more soup that my ahma specially cooked for me knowing i have not much appetite..
and now.. diarrhea??!

what else am i supposed to do? im really trying very hard.. really... im barely surviving..

my withdrawal symptoms.. my body, is reacting to it uncontrollably.. it's involuntary.

with this, suddenly, i feel like im breaking down again.. :'(

------

a song played on tv.. a nice song from the channel 8 drama
those lyrics in red... conveys my some of my feelings..

带我飞翔 到个安全的地方

是你让我看见未来的希望

幸福不难 就在前方

有你陪在我身旁 我才勇敢 (you give me courage..)
你的力量 是无止境的温暖  (you give me lotsa warmth.. do i give u warmth?)

让我张开翅膀自由地飞翔

幸福不难 就在前方

有你在身旁 我会勇敢

staying home.. will always make me wanna type on this avenue from time to time i guess?

duno why am i thinking of this suddenly... as i have mentioned.. im gg to grad soon.. i think i might take a family photo..? i dunno.. but will you come with me to the studio.. and take a picture with me too? a picture.. with just the two of us?

im waiting for you to grad next year.. and also take such a graduation photo together with you.. is that possible?

remember i said maybe one day we can go take our own photo shoot at some park?

honey everything that was said, everything is haunting me like crazy..

-------

after ur exams, can we go out on a date?? wanna doll up for u.. n become that girl in your eyes.

-------

what do u think of me now? is spending time with me a torture to u? do u wanna spend time with me still?

-------

if tmr was a normal bonding.. i probably wouldnt turn up.. no mood for such things. seriously.. but tmr i have to go, not only its an obligation, but its my only chance of seeing u.. even thou i know i m gonna get hurt again when i see u smiling at ur friends, joking with them. but at least i get to see u.. and get that small chance of having dinner with u.. or just spend alone time with u on train.

--------

theres actually plans to go australia with jy/wn at the end of this year... but unfortunately i dont have any mood for that even. i just hope that things btw us will improve soon.. like slowly.. u can talk more to me.. u can slowly feel more comfortable with me.. smile to me..

if things dont get better btw us, i duno what im gonna do with my life.

even though my life doesnt only revolve around u, but it seems tt my life cant even move without u.

honey, im not gonna give up on u.. pls dont give up on me..

tell me, tell me that one day u will come back to me.. u will hug me from the back... and tell me, "i love you and i will never let you go"

i know u know how much u mean to me. i know u know how much i want u back. i know u know how much i love u, how much im willing to give u everything n spend the rest of my life with u. i hope u will also know that, i wont ever be unfaithful to u.. from day 1, i didnt stop loving u. in fact i love u more.

with you knowing all these, u still chose to let go for now.. so these wont bring u back to me now.. but will it eventually bring u back to me?

------

the last time it was 2-3 months before we got back..

this time? is 2-3 months possible?

honey.... as u hurt your own heart and hurt mine, i think ure still trying to protect parts of my heart. please continue to protect me.. if 2-3 months is not possible, please let it improve at least.. and give me a hug.. u probably dont know how powerful your hug can be to me.

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seriously why is everywhere talking about pregnant n child.. watch spouse for house also.. now ahma watching the channel 8 show also..

everything around me.. just brings me sadness.. honey... be my comfort again.. i miss your touch.. i miss your body warmth.. the warmth that warms my heart.. no matter how tired i am from anything, u can make me smile.. u can cheer me up, u can just let me be myself.. u can take away all my tiredness with just a warm hug..

honey, now the sad thing is, can my hug, also have the same effect on u? can i be the one supporting u..?

-----

theres so many food places i wanna go with u too.. honey.. come with me please.. but some of them i dont dare to ask now cos i wanna go with u when ure happy.. or at least when things are better... but the dilemma is.. i duno if maybe after exams going to these places will make things better? i duno.. i will ask when the time comes again..

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come to think of it.. ur house reno toilet is in oct.. u still said u will let me know about it.. i duno but i think thats a little bit of comfort still..

-----

honey, im trying very hard to eat now.. and i am eating now.. yes abit.. not my usual appetite.. but im trying.. for u for me for us.. i needa take care of myself before i can take care of you.. i know ure gonna say u dont need me to take care of u, u can do it yourself.. but.. i still wanna care for u..

-----

请不要辜负我对你的心。i dont know how can i be not selfish sometimes. when i want u so dearly. honey, dont blame me.. i want u to be happy.. but i hope u will be happy with me.

-----

i know u still have a soft spot for me.. i think this soft spot for me will be there forever.. i just trust that... cos i think this is just you..

u can be in pain.. but u will somehow cope with it... u can eventually do without me... honey.. my dear honey.. because of this, i cant not be scared.. because of this.. im really scared..

u dont wanna see me cry..  but can u feel my tears inside?

did i tell u before, when im very stress, very upset, very vexed, i will wanna take a stack of paper and scribble very hard on it till the paper all tears? sounds like a psychotic right? i havent did that in the longest time.. but ytd.. i wanted to do it again.. today.. i wanna cry out loud. but all of this, all of this... can only be swallowed down.. crying inside..
this is probably how u have been feeling, swallowing, and crying inside..

can i be the love of your life? till forever?

waiting for the day, you will promise me sth again.

:'(

the flowers u gave me on vday.. is still being displayed out...

when i was moving house, i nearly had the idea of throwing away the disintegrated flowers u gave me last time.. nearly... cos in my mind.. i was thinking, u will still be giving me maybe 2 bouquets every year. and we have pictures. and i have u.. so its ok.. but now im kinda thankful i kept them... honestly, i dont know when is the next time i will be receiving a bouquet from u again...

i dont need flowers.. i need you..

the last picture we took together was also on vday.. im really waiting to take another picture with u..
waiting for a day. u will take a picture with me.. and happily post it up.

--------------

whenever i see people posting/sharing about marriage thing i actually click on them.. even till now.. like how much money is need to get married.. how does bto works.. and now, wedding venues.. it has different venues.. and they classify them into.. for couples who... have 300 guests/ 20 guests/ on budget/love sea/etc...
all i want.. is a simple life.. simply just being with u..

why am i still looking at all these, when now im just trying so hard to get u back... dont even talk about marriage.. just a simple holding hand, becomes so hard now..

this wait.. this unknown future.. im scared...
(self-reminder: ta said, dont be scared, he's here. so joey, trust your ta.)

had to wake up early to 扫墓. so pulled myself out of bed.. and went.. every year though its always optional for me to go or not.. i have always chose to go. cos i felt that i shld do it. i wanna do it too. i dont really rmb my great-grandma actually.. but i just have this impression that she held me before.. when i was really young.. probably 2 years old? but i just wanna see her every year.. even if its just once..

and so every year when i go there, there is tinge of sadness.. but a tinge of happiness that i m the only lucky one that have this impression of her before in my life.. and every year i will tell her.. 老嬷，我来看你了。我明年会再来的。请保佑我一家人健康，快乐。请保佑我和他永远开心的在一起。

this year, i didnt change what i said to her. just that i emphasise alot on the point that please bless us.. please bless us to be back together again..

my ahma is already 76 this year.. i want her to be able to see me get married, see me giving birth. and be able to play with her great grand child before anything happens. i... am probably the biggest hope.. cos my bro n cousins are just too young. i thought i could do it before she turns 80. or when she turns 80, she will be happily enjoying her life, with a little baby in her arms.. this thought comes when i go 扫墓。 its just super strong today.

my lovely honey, this morning i wanted to type, good morning lovely to you. i nearly just typed that out...

my mum told me i 看起来没精神。ask me drink chicken essence. chicken essence isnt gonna help.. cos its not the mind.. its the heart..

xiaoyi told me she had a dream of me.. she dream that i was bring in some cloth from the outside, then i felt some white powder.. then i said "please dont tell me its the same as my dream" (so in her dream i actually dreamt of sth which really happened) so when i brought the cloth in, the white powder is actually forming the word "HELL". and then i screamed.
i wont say im living in hell cos there's still many things that i have now.. but my heart is indeed like its there.. cos its in so much pain..

before coming back we also went to the market... as i walk ard the mkt.. i thought of u again.. i wanted to learn all the dishes n cooking skills from my ahma is ofcos becos i wanna keep that home cooked taste.. i want my children to be able to taste that too.. honestly, i wanna cook for u too.. next time i wanna go to the market.. and yes cook for u.. together with all my other thoughts of setting up a family with u... i m willing and want to do all that very house wifey stuff for u.. i even thought of how my name will sound like with your surname before... :'(

no matter what challenges life brings, all the down times, i thought that as long as i have u, i will be fine.. now, i just need u back... im just so afraid, that u wouldnt need me anymore.. :'(

tmr meeting point at vivo... feeling very heavy about that.. 2 wks ago.. we went vivo.. the last place officially as a couple... 两个礼拜过了，但痛一点都没有减少。心每时每刻，都很痛。every moment..  i guess its the trend of having #100happydays now right? i think i can easily have #100saddays. after 100 sad days.. can i get back my happy days?

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i always knew that my mum had a very hard time.. i knew that she is deeply hurt. i know that the hurt will always be there. now.. i really cant imagine that hurt. i think she is strong enough to hold it out like that. i think i cant even take what she did.

no doubt i still cant truly get over what happen... i just dont want tt person to come into my life agn.. so i know havent really let go but ya..

but this time the pain is in me.. so i really felt it deep inside. and i cant let u go. i need you back to get me out of this pain. i really hope that i wont bring u pain. not being able to be with someone u love, and knowing that the person loves u too.. is excruciating..
pain.. is an understatement.

---------------

in a few more months, i will be graduating.. it shld be a happy thing.. it shld be another milestone.. but now... i cant see how happy it can be..

this coming 24th bday.. thou its still quite a long way before it comes.. but.. if its gonna be alone.. its gonna be painful. will someone still call me at 12 midnight to sing me a birthday song? or get a piece of cake for me? i dare not hope for all these.. but i know i still do. if i can be granted a wish.. my wish will be to be back with u. do u think it is possible for you to grant me my wish before my birthday?
一辈子，陪伴我。也让我，一辈子，陪伴你，好吗？

每时每刻，都想着你。真的。我真的好想你。

这一切，你都不想听。怎么办？我到底该怎么办？:'(

in my video to u.. all those sweet words are not just sweet words.. i actually mean everything i said.. u make me complete. and i really love u.

if the world if coming to an end.. i will wanna spend the last moments with u. if my life is coming to an end.. i would also wanna do the same.

我付出的心，早已收不回。只希望我现在的坚持，会又回报。只希望现在的痛，是暂时的。将来可以迎接跟美好的未来。只希望，这是老天对我们的考验，度过它，我们只会更幸福。
我也希望，在你内心深处，你是跟我一样这样想的。

i duno why, suddenly im feeling inferior..
suddenly i feel that i have so many flaws..
suddenly, the fears is coming up strong again..

suddenly, halfway through trying very hard to do some work, the tv is playing the last epi of the korean star thing. so its time to say goodbye for the time being for julie and the korean girl band. whether or not its just for the effect of the show, i got affected. they spent 6 days together. we spent 6 years together. though its not good bye for us.. thankfully.. i duno how much i can thank you for this.. but.. its falling down again. oh god. pain. pain. so pain.

how and when will u want a rs again? and when u want it again, will u choose me again? :'(
i honestly, honestly cannot accept any other outcome.. sorry honey.. i just cant see u with anyone else.. sorry...

this thought, my most fearful thought. the most hurtful thought. i dont think of it all the time.. but it comes to me from time to time.

snoopy calm me down now... my work is still waiting.. :(

----------------------------------------------------------------------

went on fb.. saw a baby.. a pri/sec friend's little boy.. so cute... u may not believe me.. but i actually wanna be a mummy earlier than what i thought.. earlier than what u thought too..
its just sth that i didnt tell u honey.. not saying this cos of the situation. its my heartfelt words.. the only thing i was waiting.. is to be financially stable, so that i can provide for a child..
but now.... :(

ok its getting abit too much today.. but i duno where else to share my feelings alr..

i realised that sometimes i play haypi cos i just wanna play.. but sometimes i play haypi cos i running away from doing some form of work that i must do.. for instance, i play haypi alot more frequent during exam period.. cos i dont feel like studying sometimes.. so i will play play.. and then study.. i kinda get what u mean by u play and study at the same time.. thou we are still abit diff on that...
and now, im playing it again.. cos i dont wanna do work... i just basically wanna nua.. i wanna just watch show, n slp. but i cant afford to do this for long. i needa get work done.. yet i m not doin it.. stressed.

i tried to consume dinner today.. i thought i could eat alr.. i thought i felt a little hungry.. but i only ate a little.. then i thought i was thirsty.. took a packet of chrysanthemum and i actually couldnt finish it. a good start huh.. i feel like eating.. but just tt when i eat halfway, the appetite is just gone agn. sometimes i feel like snacking.. but then hmm..

sometimes i feel like just getting drunk.. ok not very healthy thinking.. but can numb feelings for awhile right? having said that, i guess im still sane enough, not to go some beach just to drink n get drunk outside.
but if u could, after exams, maybe we could just get a drink, together.. get abit tipsy tog.. just a thought.. but i probably wouldnt dare to ask for this now.. asking for a meal/movie/walk.. i m already being v greedy..

everything that u r doing now.. i appreciate them all.. never taking anything for granted. i treasure them all. every little thing..

time to get some work done.. but its rather vexing... that im stuck.. i wanna grumble to someone.. ofcos usually that someone is u.. can i still do that? u said i could tell u everything. i believe that u meant what u said.
jiayou joey... jiayou.. u can do this. u can do it.. remember, remember that your honey is still here.. dont disappoint yourself.. dont disappoint him.. let him be proud of u.. at least, at the very least, for your practicum.

if there is sth that i can be appreciative for in sch, i guess its really that i have really nice and caring cts. even my ex-ct came and ask me to takecare and eat more. practicum is nv easy.. but when i got started i was confident enough to get through it. like really.. i know ure confident of me too. it got tough, cos of this. really. i dont blame you. but i just hope u are sticking around not cos ure afraid i will flunk my pract. i hope u will always be around even after i get over this pract. not sure if i said this before, my convo is in july. and im really happy u say that u will still be there. i hope that u will be there as my bf really. as in i hope that will be what u feel. and what u think. cos honestly, i have never stop regarding you as my bf.

for the first time, i went home so early on a friday. i literally left within 10 mins after the official leaving time.. not sth that i would do usually i guess?

i just wanted a breather. i wanted to go tamp just to walk about abit.. even if its aimlessly.
but then i didnt cos there will be too many students around. with my heavy bag, i still went home instead.. just a slow walk home.. and it was therapeutic in a certain way.

i guess if it was a normal day, i would be normally back at home, doing my work or just resting. today just felt aimless. wanna go out for a walk, but duno where to go. this is the first friday.. how will my other fridays be?

remember i said that i would like to go to batam for just 1/2 nights with u in june or in august..? looks like its not possible... honestly, going overseas with u again... when will that even happen? but then again, thats not what im looking at now even. thats totally a luxury. now all im looking for is to be able to hold u. just that simple action.

though u said u dont want me to give u anymore gifts, just like now u dont even wanna accept my 20th letter.. or rather not read it... hmm.. i m quite sure i will still be writing them. but then, i m not gg to write any things u dont wanna see... duno if i shld be giving them to u, or i shld be keeping them.
but yea, i still hope to do sth for u... i can go all out shop for just a small detail for sth tt i wanna do for u... for that i will and can go out alone and look for things. and now, i kinda need sth to give me tt motivation to go out alone sometimes. let me have sth to do to keep my mind on sth. but it doesnt seem right for me to make a gift for u now... cos i shld be making a gift for u happily.. not cos i wanna take my mind off the unhappiness. i want to really make sth for u... theres so many things i still wanted and havent done for u.. one day, one day i will do it.. and these things, are things that i have planned to do for you before all these already.. i will wait till a suitable time to do the suitable thing..

as i was wondering of going somewhere to walk.. i thought of marina sq.. the kiap toy machines holds many memories. then i thought of sth that was in my mind since a long time. rmb i ever mentioned before, one day we should combine all the toys tt we kiaped tog and take a picture. actually when i said that, i was imagining us getting a real big display shelf in our house, and in one of the rooms, we will place them there. the image feel so warm. thats what i imagine one part of our house to be like. and whenever i think about "our house" now, a part of me just feel really sad and broken. im glad that u actually thought of it.. u research it.. but it really hurts that u said u cant do it. u cant ask me to bto. honey... its too far fetched for me to think of this now... but even till now, im waiting for the day u will say, shall we go for a bto? or shall we get a house of our own?

today one of the other trainee said.. this wkend hes gonna go dating.. havent seen his gf for 2 wks alr. i was never envious of that. but today, i am.

i wanna proudly call u my bf. a bf who would acknowledge me as his gf. im still proud of u as my bf. as i have always been. thou i duno if i still can call u mine.

guess blogging has became my favourite past time. but nowadays, when i blog it means its not good. so.. i hope i can stop bloggin soon.. :)

i know some things i do, is not of any difference as compared to when its official. i still do alot of things like the past. i still text u alot.. on everything. just tt i purposely avoid hearts. so i try to replace them with other stuff. when i think of gg to eat sth, trying sth new, ure still the first person i think of. or rather ure the only person i think of. thank you for being here in this way as well. thou im still not independent in this sense, but then trust me, if we get back together, i will be more independent than i am now. cos i will always have u to fall back on.

you know i just change the wallet to what u bought for me. and i enjoy carrying it around cos its what u bought for me. i dont bear to use it so i kept till now.. n now when im using it, i know it will wear and tear... when it wallet wear and tear.. will u still be here with me.. maybe get me a new wallet? what i want is obviously not a new wallet or what... but just for you to be here...
everything in my life is about u.. reminds me about u.. honey..

as im hugging my snoopy, im touching it or like stroking it abit... and i got reminded about how u will hug me from behind when i lie on your bed sometimes. u will put your fingers on my arm or head or face.. and stroke it a little too.. those tender loving care from you... i miss them so much honey... i miss you..

oh well, things will only get better right? we will get better right? in time to come, we will both smile at each other... and u will happily put ur arms around me, or pick up my hand right?

yes.. we will. i know its my wishful thinking now.. but yes we will.. someday, somehow, honey will be back with babyhoney. someday we will. my love for you will bring me through this.. and please just let me believe that your love for me will also bring you through this, and bring u back to me.

sorry, im still very selfish right? i still want you back. i dont even know if u still want me back anymore. but i just assume u do.. i just assume deep down in your heart u still yearn for me.. i just assume that actually my honey is missing me too. i just assume... i hope im not deceiving myself.. i hope one day i will know for sure, its true.. i just wanna be your girl again... im yours.. but still waiting for your acceptance..

Hug me honey... Hug me.. :'(

It's supposed to be tgif.. On one hand I'm glad cos means I can escape sch. But on the other hand I'm in deep pain too. Fighting back hard now. Right now. Dripping like mad inside now.

Please give me a hug soon... Just awhile will do.. I'm drowning...

I need that support now...:(

I need your bed now... I kinda wished that I could have give your place to stay over every mon night for sch..

I wanna escape n slp agn.

But my work still undone.

Stressed up with work in the head.  Yet unable to do it cos of a broken heart.

Please be here for me physically, mentally, n whole-heartedly. I know ure doing your best now. Thou ur msges r short, calm, n just like that just like when ure talking to me. But ure still here. N this is also one thing that I know I won't stop loving u.. N I won't be able to give any of this love to anyone else. Yes,  after 2wks. This has not changed. This will not change now, nor in the future.

Be my destination. and allow me to be your final destination too.

im destined to fall so deep for you.. more than i can ever imagine.

Can't slp well.. Woke up twice yet again.. Thou my head isn't as bad as it was.. But it's still heavy...

But comparatively.. My heart is heavier..

I used to always look forward to Fridays.. Cos it means the wk is over... And I can look for my comfort soon.. Get a hug and recharge for the next wk.. Now?:( perhaps u didn't know, how much that meant to me.. Now I indulge in slp. I just wanna get home everyday to your jacket.

I don't really know how prepared I am for Sunday.. Honestly, meeting new ppl now? I'm disinterested. I know I've gota put up a show again. Have to act happy.. Tiring it's gonna be.. But for the chance to see u... For that, I will do it. Bear with it.

Feeling perpetually down. Always heavy. As ure slping now.. I'm thinking of u... Have u been thinking of me too? Let me just take every text u sent, as an evidence that hey ure still having me in your mind.. Living on your texts, living on your jacket. These have become my essentials in survival.

Nth so far, but in time to come, pls see my effort, pls be touched by them. Please soften. Please want me back again.

Hugs..

my outlet.. here i go again..

依然无法对我笑... but yes its expected. it wouldnt be u if u could do it so quickly... you are just being honest with yourself and with me. for that, i thank you.. cos that means every smile u gave me before, was true and genuine. i just needa wait patiently.. come on girl! its worth it for this man before you.

虽然是一问一答，但是至少你愿意与我分享。虽然，也或许，你对我的生活没有什么疑问，请允许我，厚着脸皮，把一切与你分享。

谢谢你仍然帮我拿bag. 谢谢你送我回家。这一切，我都看在眼里。其实，我从来没有不珍惜过这一切。

虽然不能碰你，但可以和你聊天，可以这样看着你，我还是感到欣慰。
不过，看到你可以自在 的对别人笑，我的心，还是好痛。

i guess u can tell that im trying to keep a convo going with you. i hope that doesnt stress u out. its not easy.. cos both u and i arent a natural conversation starter.. but some of them really did come naturally..

i wanted to really stand nearer to you.. i think u might have noticed and tried to move away a little.. but hmm... there were still times when i guess im closer than a friend distance. enough for now i guess..

sorry i still, still asked for sunday.. sorry. though my appetite is still not back, i still wanna have dinner with you if its possible.. even if i watch u eat... i think im also contented. but well, i know i cant hope for too much now... if your friends have plans for dinner, i definitely out of the picture. am i ready for this? well, normally i wouldnt mind.. now, i am ready yet not... im ready cos i would expect it, but my heart will still ache.

actually taking away this privilege of holding you is pure pain. as im writing this, im bleeding still. soon its gonna be 2 wks. joey, please survive this. people say "no pain, no gain" right? for all the pain now, just let me gain back you.. gain back a happy you.. gain back a man who will proudly say that he loves me.. a man who will say i bring him happiness. a man who will take a selfie with me and put a heart shape there. a man who simply is willing to entrust his life to me. please be that man of mine.

im actually looking forward to the next time i can go to your place.. all i wanna do is lie on your bed, hug your pillows. or maybe borrow your cardi.. thats all i wanna do.. its true that this period that im trying will be tiring and difficult.. let you in another form comfort me and give me the strength.

signs of being reliant?? sometimes im lost myself. sorry that i may seem so pathetic now... so sorry cos i really lost all my sense of security now.. i just trying hard to survive now..

today in school, i cant do work yet again.. morning i spent time just lying on the table. i just cant plan for my lesson. im stuck. my brain isnt working. n next wk lesson all undone. i really cant do it.. marking at least i can manage.. but lesson plans for observations is killing me..

today as i went to the farm. i saw your camp and was immediately reminded of you. and i recalled i mentioned to you that i wanna go to those animal farms with you one day.. will that day happen?

i actually duno what kinda state im in now.. have i accepted it yet? yes and no? pain is there for sure. school is a acting ground.. i smile to people cos i have to, not cos i want to. i never find smiling so tiring before. selfish me at work again: honey, make me smile once again someday will you..?

for all the flaws that i have, remind me on them. allow me to improve to make myself a better person. not just for you.. but for us.

honey, sorry at the end i still asked some stuff i shouldnt.. but i hope my attempt with a smile.. and not probe once u signal, is sth tt u appreciate. thou u probably saw through my painful smile.. but honey, i had to do that so tt i wont cry.. learning to cover a tear with a smile with you. sorry i was still 依依不舍 when u had to leave. sorry... its really because, sometimes, everytime u send me back, i duno when will be the next.. i guess im scared now ever since a bomb drop after a normal send me home day with a hug and kiss.. sorry..

actually, right now, im really curious about what you think of me... what u think of us.. i duno how to get to know of what u think sometimes. i will try to observe more. i have no idea if what im doing now is of any help? or harm? or isit ok? im cautious but im still me. i guess u can see that im still me. thats why i still do stupid things like sending u dont need reply to this kinda text... ask u stupid qn that u wont ans with a smile.

joey.. be strong..
this strength/motivation i have to be strong prob isnt what u want from me.. but at least it allows me to survive.

surviving pract wasnt an issue for me... but now.. my only thought is to survive it.. i cant wait for it to be over. but at the same time, i dont know what to expect after that.. my plans for future just vanished. now, its really a step at a time.. for us, even for my job.

my plan was actually to have a child probably during my last year of bond.. so i can clear some bonds with maternity leave.. by then my child is born i hope to have cleared my bond, so if there is a need, i can just go slow, or even go on half load during the first few years. im actually a normal family orientated girl. thou i have dreams of earning money for a better life, and i said i wont give up my job for my child, but it doesnt mean i wont give up anything. i will just have a job, but i wont be so chiong cos i will put family first. but all these thoughts have become an unreachable dream for now..
may it once again be a realistic goal in my life again.. with you my honey.
so now, one step at a time, i duno what else can happen.

right from the start 2014 was down... please dont let anything else go wrong agn. please let it pick up from here. and please let it pick it up from this too. let honey and babyhoney come back.

thou im deeply hurt, i have confidence that i will recover so long as u come back to me.
i hope that i can make u recover if im back with you.

but for now, i thank you for everything you are doing for me now. be it out of guilt, out of responsibility, out of care, or out of love. i trust its a combination of all. but the bottomline is, you are willing, for me. many atimes, i guess i will be the one requesting things from you.. like meeting for this and that, coming over to my place, going over to your place, or accompanying me to get/do sth.. through all these, i hope slowly we will get back normally.. and i really think i will be over the moon if u request for me to go over your place for sth.. or just go out with you... or maybe for now, if u even ask me any questions about my life, i think i will be so happy to answer u.
many things will make my heart shatter now.. really many many small things... and i will just feel hurt all over again, and tears will come, and i will needa fight them.
but similarly, many many small things, will make me appreciate them.. and make me happier.
thou, to bring back that smile, it can only be given back by the one who took it away. and i have faith that our smiles will come back to us one day.. call this naive, call this hopeful, but yes.. i pin all my hopes on this.. even thou the consequences of negative result will be real bad, this gamble, i have to take. cos its all ive got. but for now, no negative results, the only result i can and will accept is a positive one.

thou i keep repeating alot of things day in day out (in a very messy way too).. but my outlet for calming myself, my outlet for not bottling up everything till i will burst and die one day... i just need a daily dose of blabber. cos everyday i build up these emotions. like it or not, everyday without fail, there will be sth tt upsets me.. just like a trigger, suddenly it just makes me wanna breakdown. super sensitive to alot of things now.

in a way im glad that ure doing ok... i wont say well cos ure not tt heartless. u cant be really doing well now.. im sure ure still hurting inside too.. just a thought, run away now. go and explore what u really want... when u find that answer, i hope im that answer.. or rather, i m part of the plan.. part of the answer. part of our life now and future.

just now cn asked, i look quite terrible... practicum is the best excuse ever.. then he added on.. i seem to be disappearing or suddenly like vanishing... oh well, whatsapp... have totally minimised its usage.. still use, but as far as possible, keeping it to a minimum... a sudden change perhaps... but guess its so much easier this way.. and whatsapp is one evil monster in some ways. to such an extent that i dont feel like utilising much of it now. cant just remove it cos its essential. sorry to my friends, it may take some time for u all to get used to this new me.. or rather the old me before whatapp came about. i wont disappear, but sorry i wont be that active anymore.

maybe one positive thing, im slowly getting back my appetite?:) i can eat 2 pieces of small bread today! no puking!

maybe just... hope that i wont be waking up twice everynight without fail. and with a headache too.

not sure if i lost some fats at my tummy? cos my pants is super loose! maybe when i get back my appetite, i shld go get some exercise too.. will you exercise with me??

longing to lean against u once agn. thou the last time i did that was on sun night. n that night, cos i was so sick that u initiated it.

loving, missing, yearning.
hugs. i know u dont want it now.. but just on this platform, a hug from me to you.. maybe a bigger part is for myself.

(not sure when i will have the courage to ask for the 3 secs. or wait till this 3 secs come to me without asking??)

At times like this, I really feel like I needa lean on you.. My tears just don't stop falling for awhile now.. Just need that comfort... I got such a strong urge to request just 3secs from u.. U don't have to do anything.. Just give me 3 secs of being unpressured, just let me hug u for 3 secs... That will do . I really really want to.... But I'm actually so scared that by doing this I will be pushing u away.. I can't I can't afford that...

Is this my punishment now? In a way yes I guess... Thou I know u wouldn't want me to think of it this way..

I'm hugging snoopy now... I'm in your jacket now pretending that it's u holding me now... But why m I still in such pain?:'(

No matter how painful, I needa cont texting u normally.. I just need to do that.. So that u won't lose patience with me. U won't get stress.. I will still know how ur day went in general.. Maybe not ur feelings thou which is quite saddening.. But I need them to carry on my day as well.. These texts, is my daily pills of energy n vitamins.

Don't be greedy Joey.. U agreed to come over in may.. U agreed.. Many things u didn't have to do u still did.. U kept to ur words by being here for me..

Joey stop it.. Stop tearing.. Stop! He doesn't like a you who tears. Stop it..

I hope my attempts to lighten our atmospher with an occasional emoticon will not irritated u.. Not trying to be fake.. Just trying to improve... I guess u will rather see that than the forever emo me now.. I know u know my intention.. I know u know when is tt :) a genuine one.. But let me just try... It's hard for me to really smile now to be honest.. Since that day nth made me smile geneuinely. U r the only one who can bring my smile back to me.. Slowly..

easily affected by almost everything n anything that has gotta do with you.. probably because thats really how much i care for you.

im so sorry that i couldnt resist it and text u these again. im sorry.

i need my comfort real bad now.. i cant run up to u and hug you. i cant climb on your bed and rest on your chest. i cant see that smile now. it hurts so so bad now.. :'( when will u ever smile at me again?:'( it's so damn painful.. Can't stop those tears from falling now. jacket comfort, please calm me down.

be thankful joey.. be thankful... be thankful i can run up to u and see u and talk to you.. i can climb onto your bed and sink into the your pillows and hide in your blankets....

i miss you.. i miss you so much..

i have to admit that there are still times today where i just felt really down.. as i walk along the corridors in school, there are still times where i was still really upset. i guess that feeling wont stop. at the very least i could do what i had to do in school. do my work, be it sch or other requirements. i did it. the only thing is.. sometimes i just stone. i just basically duno what to do. i just cant wait to get home. i just cant wait for the day to end so that i can hide under my blanket, with your jacket and snoopy.

then came just now.. cos i had no mood to do my work honestly.. so i thought i should just watch tv. so i watched. tonight scrum was airing. watched it. it wasnt even anything to do with rs. but it had some emotions nth to do with rs in it. and then i duno for what reason i felt so emotional again... i wanted to cry.. i fought my tears back while i was watchin in the living room. but my heart ached like crazy... :'(

i know that love is not all it is for a rs. it takes a willingness to commit, a willingness to compromise, a willingness to forgive and forget, a willingness to accept the good and bad.
i am really willing to do all these. its not on impulse. its painful now. but im glad that no matter what happens, you are still here. just as long as you are here, no matter how painful, i will get through. please always be here.

but i respect your needs now. or your wants now. just a little request. one day when u are once again ready. please think of me. i hope when that day comes, u will once again want me. i wont say to fall in love with me the second time. cos i believe, i really believe, you never fell out of love with me before.

during this period, i still look forward to having a good time with you my love. be it just a short meal, be it anything. in time to come, please let me see that smile again.

hugs.

ytd was eventful. ytd was one day i wailed and cried like nobody's business. i just couldnt accept it. i so so wanted the results to be positive. even up till now i still hope for that but its not possible anymore. all i can hope is for one day in the future, it may be possible. i was in the lift just now when there was a little boy. many its not possible now.. but in the future. i hope one day u will come to me and say.. im ready.. im ready to have a family with u.. and i really want so.

to be honest, it really still hurts alot. i shld say it hurt nv became any less. but then when u say "i'm here." it matters such a great deal to me.. for now, i guess thats the best u can say to me. thou its still not a promise. i really hope one day u can promise me that u will always be here.

actually sometimes all i want is a comfort hug. really thats all. even if throughout the day theres no physical contact at all. but really one true comfort hug.. without any form of stress will give me really alot of comfort. but 不管我多想要，不管现在有多痛苦，我都要忍耐。i know that the only way for u to come back to me is when u no longer feel stress when i touch u. no matter how long it takes, i will try my best to make that happen. i hope u will too. i guess u are in some way or another doing this.

不要讨厌我，我要后悔爱上我。i really hope that u will tell me that sentence is not true. really. cos i m really v hurt by it. but then i trust that actually u dont mean it that way. i trust that u still treasure all the times together with me. 我希望你会永远爱着我。我一定会永远爱着你。

in recent years i m always ard 40kg. but now im actually below 38kg. thou i dont really feel so nausea anymore (perhaps the med helped) but then i still do when i smell food.. thats why i have really no appetite still.. but now im at home at suppose to have dinner. luckily its porridge but it has a very strong smell i have no idea how to eat that without puking. i hope i can escape by just eating a few mouths. hmm i hope that u are gaining back your weight thou. i really hope that you are at least 50kg now. it hurts me to see that ure losing weight. i guess similarly when u know i cant eat u also feel the same for me. give me some time my dear honey. give me sometime.. hopefully when i start to meet u for meals i can slowly improve my appetite.

for the past 2 nights, i have been wearing your jacket to bed. just because it gives me the warmth to my heart. i can smell you. it just calms me down. if i cant hold u... sometimes just let me get close to u can? let me be able to smell that familiar and comfort smell. just that. just that will do for now.

i have no idea how long this will last. i know u dont have any idea too. i hope it wouldnt last that long until many years later. i hope that u will soon tell me its all ok now. thou i know it cant be really that soon. but yea.. at least i know u actually havent really gave me up.. actually somehow or rather i guess u are still very open to the idea of being back with me in the future. to be honest, im glad that u said that im the one who knows u best.. and maybe there is just no one out there who will know u more. im also glad u mentioned that so far, im still the only girl u met that u think can match u. not because ure attached to me so u said that. but yea.. im glad. cos honestly, i feel the same too. u definitely know me the best. and so far ure the only one that i love and thinks can match me.

i... will always love you, my one and only honey. Hugs..

The sweetest thing that someone said to me.....
someone said many sweet things to me before.. but all these sweet things, have become my biggest pain now.

one of the sweetest thing that was said to me is "u can lean on me.. forever"
and one more is "can you be in my arms forever"

now that i want forever, im just being cruelly rejected.

im scared. im scared cos im turning into someone that even im afraid of. today when all my fingers turned purple and numb and i was just shivering away... i actually allowed it to continue for some time.. i was so emotionless that i rather feel the coldness.. what the hell is going on with me.

im losing myself. im becoming scarily desperate. i hate myself.

now, im even willing to do that. just so as i will be ********. just so that u will do all it takes to make things happen.. and really care n give me happiness forever.
i know when i have this thought.. im really gone.. gone forever.

before u even lock up.. i have this feeling im gonna lock up myself instead. i thought i could carry on with the morning game on whatsapp.. but i just pulled out today. any freaking outings that will be arranged by any grp, im just not interested anymore. i even feel like pulling out from piano now.. wanted to pursue piano for my own sake cos had passion in it and i just love playing and wanted to have a decent standard to play songs that i like. not only that, i wanted to learn and play songs that you like for you too. but now, i just lost interest in everything.

theres no one else worth trusting anymore. thou u have broken your promises, i still trust you.. i guess when i have given u my trust.. u will just have it forever whether or not u hurt me. you were the only one i trusted. and i will still continue to trust u despite of everything.

but there is no one else that i will ever trust again.. never.. they can be all sweet and nice.. but so what? it doesnt mean they wont come back after many years and tell me.. we are not suited cos of this this this. or sorry i feel for who who who.. or sorry i just think this is not right and it wont work out.
what the hell.. why trust? trust no one.. then u wont get hurt.

when i thought that the most trustworthy person, the most responsible person, will keep to his words regardless of anything.. and when that fails.. it really just means that there will not be a next person that will ever gain my trust anymore.

i may not be the best person. i may have brokeb my promise before. but theres one thing about it, i never break that promise in the end. i live by that promise up till now. and its gonna be so till i die. i will always stay with you. as long as u allow me too. if u dont, my heart will stay on.

before this, i was looking at booking a staycation in sg for your bday. i was thinking since u didnt want any gifts or what.. just a simple day with u, snuggled up in bed, maybe watching some shows, eating some simple food... and it could make us both happy and have a sweet good time together. but now..

theres just so many things i wanna do with you.. and planned to do with you..

today is especially scary cos.. i wanted time alone cos i thought that if i cant take it, i can just let it all out.. like what i always used to do.. but then i cant. at a few occasions i just teared. but then the rest of the time even when i hurt like hell, or when i just feel so so pressured by everything. i cant even cry.. i cant even let it out. its just inside.. suffocating me.

As i show u this article, it makes so much sense.

Both men and women have ego-walls with cannons. But you’re going to be a man soon, so it’s important to tell you what men tend do with their ego walls—we justify them by pretending they are essential to being a “real” man. Really, most of us are just afraid our hearts won’t be good enough for the people we love, so we choose to stay safe and protected behind high walls with lots of cannons.


Everything in red is some of the parts which i really agree with..
i will commit to dying alongside u. like even if u fire ur ego cannon at me.. i wont let go.
i will be faithful to u. i guess u trust me on it.
though we all know that love is such a huge gamble, when i m just willing to step into this danger zone with you and only you.

and this gamble, can only be done once. u can say that i am weak. that my heart is so weak that i can only afford this gamble once. but.. this is the heart of that girl u chose to love. this heart is just so fragile. this heart can only be open by one person.

i guess its the same for both of us.. we open each other. but we can also lock each other. and im already seeing that lock.

not feeling well now at all. head heart all in pain.

can only just rest now.. and hope i dont have any bad dreams tonight.

some posts are just not meant to to published. gota revert back to the past now.

the days before this, i was hopeful. i thought that im can handle at least the my work or sth.. until now..

i woke up today, feeling even more broken.. im scared i will fail everyone, im scared that i will fail myself.. can i even work now? i dont feel like staying at home even.. u said ure running... n now, i really feel like running away from everyone..
suddenly, i dont know how to face my family normally anymore.

我快要崩溃了。心又痛了。更加痛了。
我不知道该如何面对每个人，包括我自己。
我的痛，你说你了解，因为你和我一样的痛。
你要我尊重你的决定，但我却没办法决定一切。
世界是不公平的。需要双方的同意才能在一起，胆子要一个人想放弃，就必须成全。
你好残忍 ，你带给我最大的快乐，你也带给我抹不去的悲痛。

或许你将会真的离开我，我的心也会随着你的离开，而死去。
we are both an extremist sometimes, we are both really serious people too.

i think u need me.. but now u just need to leave me more than u need me.

i need u. if i lose u, the only thing tt i wanna do is to do nth at all.
this is really a very bad timing.. practicum is so important to me in my life cos it really affects my whole career, am there is a freaking bond and huge sum of money involve here. and u chose to really leave me now.. seriously... knowing that i cant cope with it all..

im sure u care for me more than i can ever imagine.  the same way, i really need u more than u can ever imagine. i can do many things when i have you by me.. i cant do many things when i lose u. my basics is life shldnt be neglected i know.. my rational mind tells me no matter what shit happens i needa eat slp do work.. but im not a robot.. i have a heart... to be honest i cant really eat.. cant really work.. all i wanna do is slp all day sometimes.

u know u are hurting me badly... u know u are hurting urself badly.. i know because of this im also hurting you and myself.
what the hell are we doing? hurting the one we most treasure?

never change yourself to make someone happy unless the someone is you.
for all the change im willing to make, its not just to make u happy, it is also to make myself happy.
to be honest, besides doing all these now, theres nth else i can do to make myself feel any better.
this aside, i dont need you to change yourself and give in to me just so as to make me happy. make me happy in your own capacity. trust me. u can do it. cos u have been always doing it.

i love children. i wanna have a child with u.. because that child will be what is made of our love.
after seeing people happily with their child, i wanted to quickly have one with u.. so was waiting for ur graduation. but now?
well.. now.. even though u wanna leave me.. this crazy woman here still wants to have your child. i must be out of my mind. no one girl in the right state of mind will wanna have a child with someone tt wanna leave her. but i still do. thats how much, thats really how much i love you. so that if u cant be here to accompany me.. at least, our child can.
if i cant wish for u to stay by me.. my wish is to have ur child.
but seems like neither wish will be granted. and thats when, i just collapse.

just recently, just so recently, i changed the way i fold my clothes cos of your influence.
for the rest of my life, this is probably gonna be it. can u imagine that i will constantly be thinking of you every single day. doing a simple thing like folding clothes...

you are already a part of me, and its not possible for me to take that away.
no matter what happens you will always be a part of me. you will always live in my heart.

right from the start when i knew u, you had a catch phase of "i will managed somehow"

like i mentioned, your strength makes me know that actually i dont have to worry too much for you cos you will managed somehow. your strength only worries me for my own sake. cos if u can managed it somehow, i will be left to managed myself alone.

perhaps i would, just go on and on. with you in me. and perhaps, thats enough. maybe u would disagree with me..maybe everyone else would also disagree with me. but if without u, being alone is probably the best way i can protect myself... if that day comes, maybe.. i might... just lost the ability to truly smile..

i am never the most optimistic person. so i think of such sad stuff..
but i have both sides in me... i still keep my hopes high with regards to the things that really matters so much to me. i will still wait.. no matter how long it takes..

once, my msn status was this "love is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting that the person won't"

and so this is really it now. i keep my hopes high, knowing tt if touch wood, i will fall real bad. but then, cos i love, so i trust. trust that, this one person whom i love so much and who loves me so much too, won't.. won't bear to hurt me to a state that i can't smile genuinely again.

突然之间，好痛啊。
我希望你好，但如果你的好，是没有我，那我该怎么办？
因为爱你，我希望你开心，但如果我没有办法让你开心，我该怎么办？
这一切，让我加倍的痛。
自私的我，其实希望你不能没有我。希望你需要我才能活得开心。因为这样，你就一定会尽全力的和我在一起。
但爱你的我，好害怕，我没有办法给你你要的幸福，好害怕。

我并不完美。应该有别人比我好。我倒底还值得你的爱吗？因为你选择了我，所以我相信我会让我自己变成一个值得你爱的人。但是，现在呢？你最后还会选择我吗？我还能成为那个值得你付出一切，爱的人吗？

seems like this is almost becoming my daily dose of... i duno what you call this too..

ytd i spent quite some time on transport.. either on the train or on the bus or even walking... either i am just dazing or stoning. or im feeling upset in a certain way. not in a way where i start to break down. but in a certain way i feel pain. maybe some tears may seem to be welling up.. but not to the extent i cry.

the pain increases if i were to reread some msges.

i was on mp3 throughout the journey. no songs were specifically picked, just shuffled.. some were happy, some were encouraging, some were just sad. well. the happy songs had no impact at all. the encouraging songs like "keep holding on" reminded myself that i had to really

 keep holding on
we'll make it through make it through
just stay strong
cos you know im here for you here for you

then all the sad songs.. i felt for it.. but it was only when i heard this one particular song, that my tears really fell..

You will always gonna be the one 
And you should know 
How I wish I could have never let you go 
Come into my life again 
Oh, don't say no 
You will always gonna be the one in my life 
So true, I believe i can never find 
Somebody like you 
my first love

Every word, every sentence here is what i feel too. my first love, my only love. 

well, then it seems to be that i had to just missed my last train. i had no intention to. i tried to catch whatever train i could till i ended up stranded in the other end of sengkang. when i alighted the bus. the first instant all i felt was lost. i didnt even know the way home. but i had to get back home. so i walked. not knowing how long this walk is gonna talk. walking along hdb roads isnt tt bad. so it was fine. till i reached an area where its scarily quiet. its the little bridge tt has the river below, and trees at the side. i was scared. really scared. if anything happen it could really be it. but i had to carry on walking. just like now, thou im scared and fearful for the future. but i have to keep walking cos its only when in keep walking that i can walk to the destination that i want to reach. i reached home last night eventually. so i hope that i will also be able to reach my destination of our home if i carry on walking. will i? 

few more years down the road, and if things remain like it is now, and we are both still single and still loves each other. will u be willing to settle down with me? though the best would be things wont remain like this for long, things will just turn for the better soon.. i had plans to get married in my 20+, have 1/2 years of time being with each other, and have children before i hit 30. are all these still achievable? 

just read the last letter you wrote to me - for our 6th valentines.

i dont need any gifts. i dont need them. i just need u. if u can spend some time with me, or perhaps give me a little card i think i will be very happy.

u wrote there that the next up is our anniv and your bday. somehow when i saw that line i felt a sudden sharp pain. it means to say at that point in time u still had this vision of being with me on those occasions. before anythings gets better, rest assured that there wont be gifts. there will just be a card or a letter. and the hope to spend that day with u. so thankful that u said you will be reserving that day just for me. u even said that even if ure working or what u will still spend some time after work with me. that really means so so much to me. especially at this point in time. actually to be honest, even if nth had happened, hearing those from you will still touch me.

and u know what, u also mentioned that u will try to improve on it. thank you.

u ended off by saying that i needa wait for your gifts.
right now, not waiting for your gifts.. im just waiting for the day u will smile at me. waiting for the day u will happily hold my hands just to bring me close to you.

i dont think that i will be receiving anymore letters from you at least during this period. its ok. cos i cant be so greedy and ask for everything.. i wont be expecting them too. but i will be waiting for that day when u will write another letter to me again. i think that means that things are improving. and it means that the day that we can truly be happy will be drawing near.

ok last post for the night. after this, i will watch shows till i slp.

mistakes cant be forgotten.

people say as long as ure willing to change for the better, then u shld be given a chance and be forgiven. i hope this can happen to me.

its my biggest regret.

hopefully, you will lessen this pain of my regret by accepting me once again.

for the pain these 3 years. i will use the rest of my life to make up for it. i will use the rest of my life to make u happy. i will use the rest of my life to give u everything i can.

though this mistake or regret cant be erased totally, i decided to remove it from my life. as in the visuals.. deleted all photos. deleted every related thing. i know this is of no use at all. but still chose to do it. every action has a reason. thou useless, it shows my determination is making this better.

last night i cried alot.. but you were there to pull me into your arms.. wipe dry my tears. you are special cos you didnt abandon me even though you are capable of doing so. thou it doesnt mean you arent hurting.. im quite sure u are hurting alot when u hurt me. those tears in your eyes.. i saw and felt them.

as night falls, im want time to pass more quickly.

but for some reason my emotions are being stirred up again. its welling up again.

i need to be alone from everyone else except u.

hope to hear from u tmr. hope to get it all sorted out. hope then u wont let me go.

today i have to mask up to celebrate my ahma's bday.
dinner was fine i managed

but i felt great pain as i sang the bday song and look at the burning candle.

I had to smile for a pic. i did smile. but i torn.

somehow after i smile, my tear fell. oh god. this hurts so much.

Right here waiting

Wherever you go 
Whatever you do 
I will be right here waiting for you 
Whatever it takes 
Or how my heart breaks 
I will be right here waiting for you 

This speaks of my determination for us and u. I will wait till forever. 
i will always love you. i must make this work.

I can't believe what just happened. Last night was a terrible experience. The fear is immense. I had the same feeling I had in sec3. i cant believe it was on the exact same period. i rmb clearly when i was in sec3, it was also on the sat of mar hols. that night where i hoped that all i heard was just a dream. and tmr when i wake up it will be ok.

the same thing happened again last night. i hope so hard tt i can wake up and then its a bad dream. i did not receive that heart shattering msg. but no. no. so i could only hope for a reply. i had a bad night. i kept waking up. time seems to pass so slowly. but i refuse to get up cos i was hoping so hard tt when i open my eyes i would see your name poppin up on my phone.

well it did, thankfully. though it really hurts like crazy. the truth is killing me. ever since that msg last night.. i can totally feel my heart in great pain. even if i try hard not to cry. i feel suffocated all the time. today is probably one of the worst day of my life. i only hope that it will get better. i cant handle anything worse than this. i will breakdown totally.

that sense of assurance and security i need it so bad. but somehow i think u cant give me now. cos u lost faith in me since then. but, what shld i do now? what can i do now to gain back your trust? why? why? why isit that when i try to amend for my mistakes in the past, when i set my mind on never making that mistake anymore, that this happens?

Im so afraid that the future i have been envisioning for years will just be gone...

i know this is gonna take some time. but please please, let it get better slowly. please please, let me see that smile again. please please, don't leave me alone.

i can adapt to every other change. but i cant accept this.

2014, u have been really cruel to me. please dont take away my only comfort. please dont take away what means the most to me. please dont take away my life n heart.

i pray hard that i will really see the rainbow after the rain. i will brave through all the storms just for the rainbow.

im shattered. u have been shattered. will u allow me to piece it back together for u? only in this way, can i slowly piece my own back.

Can you promise not to leave me? I so need that promise now. 我真的好害怕...
我不能失去你... 我什么都不要，我只要你永远陪在我身边..

Just when I thought things will start to settle down... things will get better... eventually all will be good after some time of adaptations and getting used to it.. But things don't always go as you wish don't they?

Another issue pop up again.. or rather it is not another issue.. but it is just an unhappy incident i would say. Seriously... i didn't want it to be this way, and i also have no idea why must you get so upset over this minute little thing. I know you dont have any ill intention, in fact it was a good intention to help. but i think it matters to know what is helpful and what is not so helpful. And so i appreciated that and did what i was supposed to do, knowing my own needs and wants, i selected things i needed and wanted back in. And now i've become wrong in doing so?!

Staying at this new place isn't my choice. Moving at this busy period of practicum isn't my choice. I know everyone is tired, everyone is trying. But so am I. Never have i felt this way before. Never have i felt such pressure while at my own home.

kinda need a break.. a break away from home, away from everything.. (with the exception, jx, my only comfort now.)

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