had to wake up early to 扫墓. so pulled myself out of bed.. and went.. every year though its always optional for me to go or not.. i have always chose to go. cos i felt that i shld do it. i wanna do it too. i dont really rmb my great-grandma actually.. but i just have this impression that she held me before.. when i was really young.. probably 2 years old? but i just wanna see her every year.. even if its just once..

and so every year when i go there, there is tinge of sadness.. but a tinge of happiness that i m the only lucky one that have this impression of her before in my life.. and every year i will tell her.. 老嬷，我来看你了。我明年会再来的。请保佑我一家人健康，快乐。请保佑我和他永远开心的在一起。

this year, i didnt change what i said to her. just that i emphasise alot on the point that please bless us.. please bless us to be back together again..

my ahma is already 76 this year.. i want her to be able to see me get married, see me giving birth. and be able to play with her great grand child before anything happens. i... am probably the biggest hope.. cos my bro n cousins are just too young. i thought i could do it before she turns 80. or when she turns 80, she will be happily enjoying her life, with a little baby in her arms.. this thought comes when i go 扫墓。 its just super strong today.

my lovely honey, this morning i wanted to type, good morning lovely to you. i nearly just typed that out...

my mum told me i 看起来没精神。ask me drink chicken essence. chicken essence isnt gonna help.. cos its not the mind.. its the heart..

xiaoyi told me she had a dream of me.. she dream that i was bring in some cloth from the outside, then i felt some white powder.. then i said "please dont tell me its the same as my dream" (so in her dream i actually dreamt of sth which really happened) so when i brought the cloth in, the white powder is actually forming the word "HELL". and then i screamed.
i wont say im living in hell cos there's still many things that i have now.. but my heart is indeed like its there.. cos its in so much pain..

before coming back we also went to the market... as i walk ard the mkt.. i thought of u again.. i wanted to learn all the dishes n cooking skills from my ahma is ofcos becos i wanna keep that home cooked taste.. i want my children to be able to taste that too.. honestly, i wanna cook for u too.. next time i wanna go to the market.. and yes cook for u.. together with all my other thoughts of setting up a family with u... i m willing and want to do all that very house wifey stuff for u.. i even thought of how my name will sound like with your surname before... :'(

no matter what challenges life brings, all the down times, i thought that as long as i have u, i will be fine.. now, i just need u back... im just so afraid, that u wouldnt need me anymore.. :'(

tmr meeting point at vivo... feeling very heavy about that.. 2 wks ago.. we went vivo.. the last place officially as a couple... 两个礼拜过了，但痛一点都没有减少。心每时每刻，都很痛。every moment..  i guess its the trend of having #100happydays now right? i think i can easily have #100saddays. after 100 sad days.. can i get back my happy days?

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i always knew that my mum had a very hard time.. i knew that she is deeply hurt. i know that the hurt will always be there. now.. i really cant imagine that hurt. i think she is strong enough to hold it out like that. i think i cant even take what she did.

no doubt i still cant truly get over what happen... i just dont want tt person to come into my life agn.. so i know havent really let go but ya..

but this time the pain is in me.. so i really felt it deep inside. and i cant let u go. i need you back to get me out of this pain. i really hope that i wont bring u pain. not being able to be with someone u love, and knowing that the person loves u too.. is excruciating..
pain.. is an understatement.

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in a few more months, i will be graduating.. it shld be a happy thing.. it shld be another milestone.. but now... i cant see how happy it can be..

this coming 24th bday.. thou its still quite a long way before it comes.. but.. if its gonna be alone.. its gonna be painful. will someone still call me at 12 midnight to sing me a birthday song? or get a piece of cake for me? i dare not hope for all these.. but i know i still do. if i can be granted a wish.. my wish will be to be back with u. do u think it is possible for you to grant me my wish before my birthday?
一辈子，陪伴我。也让我，一辈子，陪伴你，好吗？

每时每刻，都想着你。真的。我真的好想你。

这一切，你都不想听。怎么办？我到底该怎么办？:'(

in my video to u.. all those sweet words are not just sweet words.. i actually mean everything i said.. u make me complete. and i really love u.

if the world if coming to an end.. i will wanna spend the last moments with u. if my life is coming to an end.. i would also wanna do the same.

我付出的心，早已收不回。只希望我现在的坚持，会又回报。只希望现在的痛，是暂时的。将来可以迎接跟美好的未来。只希望，这是老天对我们的考验，度过它，我们只会更幸福。
我也希望，在你内心深处，你是跟我一样这样想的。

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