my outlet.. here i go again..

依然无法对我笑... but yes its expected. it wouldnt be u if u could do it so quickly... you are just being honest with yourself and with me. for that, i thank you.. cos that means every smile u gave me before, was true and genuine. i just needa wait patiently.. come on girl! its worth it for this man before you.

虽然是一问一答，但是至少你愿意与我分享。虽然，也或许，你对我的生活没有什么疑问，请允许我，厚着脸皮，把一切与你分享。

谢谢你仍然帮我拿bag. 谢谢你送我回家。这一切，我都看在眼里。其实，我从来没有不珍惜过这一切。

虽然不能碰你，但可以和你聊天，可以这样看着你，我还是感到欣慰。
不过，看到你可以自在 的对别人笑，我的心，还是好痛。

i guess u can tell that im trying to keep a convo going with you. i hope that doesnt stress u out. its not easy.. cos both u and i arent a natural conversation starter.. but some of them really did come naturally..

i wanted to really stand nearer to you.. i think u might have noticed and tried to move away a little.. but hmm... there were still times when i guess im closer than a friend distance. enough for now i guess..

sorry i still, still asked for sunday.. sorry. though my appetite is still not back, i still wanna have dinner with you if its possible.. even if i watch u eat... i think im also contented. but well, i know i cant hope for too much now... if your friends have plans for dinner, i definitely out of the picture. am i ready for this? well, normally i wouldnt mind.. now, i am ready yet not... im ready cos i would expect it, but my heart will still ache.

actually taking away this privilege of holding you is pure pain. as im writing this, im bleeding still. soon its gonna be 2 wks. joey, please survive this. people say "no pain, no gain" right? for all the pain now, just let me gain back you.. gain back a happy you.. gain back a man who will proudly say that he loves me.. a man who will say i bring him happiness. a man who will take a selfie with me and put a heart shape there. a man who simply is willing to entrust his life to me. please be that man of mine.

im actually looking forward to the next time i can go to your place.. all i wanna do is lie on your bed, hug your pillows. or maybe borrow your cardi.. thats all i wanna do.. its true that this period that im trying will be tiring and difficult.. let you in another form comfort me and give me the strength.

signs of being reliant?? sometimes im lost myself. sorry that i may seem so pathetic now... so sorry cos i really lost all my sense of security now.. i just trying hard to survive now..

today in school, i cant do work yet again.. morning i spent time just lying on the table. i just cant plan for my lesson. im stuck. my brain isnt working. n next wk lesson all undone. i really cant do it.. marking at least i can manage.. but lesson plans for observations is killing me..

today as i went to the farm. i saw your camp and was immediately reminded of you. and i recalled i mentioned to you that i wanna go to those animal farms with you one day.. will that day happen?

i actually duno what kinda state im in now.. have i accepted it yet? yes and no? pain is there for sure. school is a acting ground.. i smile to people cos i have to, not cos i want to. i never find smiling so tiring before. selfish me at work again: honey, make me smile once again someday will you..?

for all the flaws that i have, remind me on them. allow me to improve to make myself a better person. not just for you.. but for us.

honey, sorry at the end i still asked some stuff i shouldnt.. but i hope my attempt with a smile.. and not probe once u signal, is sth tt u appreciate. thou u probably saw through my painful smile.. but honey, i had to do that so tt i wont cry.. learning to cover a tear with a smile with you. sorry i was still 依依不舍 when u had to leave. sorry... its really because, sometimes, everytime u send me back, i duno when will be the next.. i guess im scared now ever since a bomb drop after a normal send me home day with a hug and kiss.. sorry..

actually, right now, im really curious about what you think of me... what u think of us.. i duno how to get to know of what u think sometimes. i will try to observe more. i have no idea if what im doing now is of any help? or harm? or isit ok? im cautious but im still me. i guess u can see that im still me. thats why i still do stupid things like sending u dont need reply to this kinda text... ask u stupid qn that u wont ans with a smile.

joey.. be strong..
this strength/motivation i have to be strong prob isnt what u want from me.. but at least it allows me to survive.

surviving pract wasnt an issue for me... but now.. my only thought is to survive it.. i cant wait for it to be over. but at the same time, i dont know what to expect after that.. my plans for future just vanished. now, its really a step at a time.. for us, even for my job.

my plan was actually to have a child probably during my last year of bond.. so i can clear some bonds with maternity leave.. by then my child is born i hope to have cleared my bond, so if there is a need, i can just go slow, or even go on half load during the first few years. im actually a normal family orientated girl. thou i have dreams of earning money for a better life, and i said i wont give up my job for my child, but it doesnt mean i wont give up anything. i will just have a job, but i wont be so chiong cos i will put family first. but all these thoughts have become an unreachable dream for now..
may it once again be a realistic goal in my life again.. with you my honey.
so now, one step at a time, i duno what else can happen.

right from the start 2014 was down... please dont let anything else go wrong agn. please let it pick up from here. and please let it pick it up from this too. let honey and babyhoney come back.

thou im deeply hurt, i have confidence that i will recover so long as u come back to me.
i hope that i can make u recover if im back with you.

but for now, i thank you for everything you are doing for me now. be it out of guilt, out of responsibility, out of care, or out of love. i trust its a combination of all. but the bottomline is, you are willing, for me. many atimes, i guess i will be the one requesting things from you.. like meeting for this and that, coming over to my place, going over to your place, or accompanying me to get/do sth.. through all these, i hope slowly we will get back normally.. and i really think i will be over the moon if u request for me to go over your place for sth.. or just go out with you... or maybe for now, if u even ask me any questions about my life, i think i will be so happy to answer u.
many things will make my heart shatter now.. really many many small things... and i will just feel hurt all over again, and tears will come, and i will needa fight them.
but similarly, many many small things, will make me appreciate them.. and make me happier.
thou, to bring back that smile, it can only be given back by the one who took it away. and i have faith that our smiles will come back to us one day.. call this naive, call this hopeful, but yes.. i pin all my hopes on this.. even thou the consequences of negative result will be real bad, this gamble, i have to take. cos its all ive got. but for now, no negative results, the only result i can and will accept is a positive one.

thou i keep repeating alot of things day in day out (in a very messy way too).. but my outlet for calming myself, my outlet for not bottling up everything till i will burst and die one day... i just need a daily dose of blabber. cos everyday i build up these emotions. like it or not, everyday without fail, there will be sth tt upsets me.. just like a trigger, suddenly it just makes me wanna breakdown. super sensitive to alot of things now.

in a way im glad that ure doing ok... i wont say well cos ure not tt heartless. u cant be really doing well now.. im sure ure still hurting inside too.. just a thought, run away now. go and explore what u really want... when u find that answer, i hope im that answer.. or rather, i m part of the plan.. part of the answer. part of our life now and future.

just now cn asked, i look quite terrible... practicum is the best excuse ever.. then he added on.. i seem to be disappearing or suddenly like vanishing... oh well, whatsapp... have totally minimised its usage.. still use, but as far as possible, keeping it to a minimum... a sudden change perhaps... but guess its so much easier this way.. and whatsapp is one evil monster in some ways. to such an extent that i dont feel like utilising much of it now. cant just remove it cos its essential. sorry to my friends, it may take some time for u all to get used to this new me.. or rather the old me before whatapp came about. i wont disappear, but sorry i wont be that active anymore.

maybe one positive thing, im slowly getting back my appetite?:) i can eat 2 pieces of small bread today! no puking!

maybe just... hope that i wont be waking up twice everynight without fail. and with a headache too.

not sure if i lost some fats at my tummy? cos my pants is super loose! maybe when i get back my appetite, i shld go get some exercise too.. will you exercise with me??

longing to lean against u once agn. thou the last time i did that was on sun night. n that night, cos i was so sick that u initiated it.

loving, missing, yearning.
hugs. i know u dont want it now.. but just on this platform, a hug from me to you.. maybe a bigger part is for myself.

(not sure when i will have the courage to ask for the 3 secs. or wait till this 3 secs come to me without asking??)

;