The sweetest thing that someone said to me.....
someone said many sweet things to me before.. but all these sweet things, have become my biggest pain now.
one of the sweetest thing that was said to me is "u can lean on me.. forever"
and one more is "can you be in my arms forever"
now that i want forever, im just being cruelly rejected.
im scared. im scared cos im turning into someone that even im afraid of. today when all my fingers turned purple and numb and i was just shivering away... i actually allowed it to continue for some time.. i was so emotionless that i rather feel the coldness.. what the hell is going on with me.
im losing myself. im becoming scarily desperate. i hate myself.
now, im even willing to do that. just so as i will be ********. just so that u will do all it takes to make things happen.. and really care n give me happiness forever.
i know when i have this thought.. im really gone.. gone forever.
before u even lock up.. i have this feeling im gonna lock up myself instead. i thought i could carry on with the morning game on whatsapp.. but i just pulled out today. any freaking outings that will be arranged by any grp, im just not interested anymore. i even feel like pulling out from piano now.. wanted to pursue piano for my own sake cos had passion in it and i just love playing and wanted to have a decent standard to play songs that i like. not only that, i wanted to learn and play songs that you like for you too. but now, i just lost interest in everything.
theres no one else worth trusting anymore. thou u have broken your promises, i still trust you.. i guess when i have given u my trust.. u will just have it forever whether or not u hurt me. you were the only one i trusted. and i will still continue to trust u despite of everything.
but there is no one else that i will ever trust again.. never.. they can be all sweet and nice.. but so what? it doesnt mean they wont come back after many years and tell me.. we are not suited cos of this this this. or sorry i feel for who who who.. or sorry i just think this is not right and it wont work out.
what the hell.. why trust? trust no one.. then u wont get hurt.
when i thought that the most trustworthy person, the most responsible person, will keep to his words regardless of anything.. and when that fails.. it really just means that there will not be a next person that will ever gain my trust anymore.
i may not be the best person. i may have brokeb my promise before. but theres one thing about it, i never break that promise in the end. i live by that promise up till now. and its gonna be so till i die. i will always stay with you. as long as u allow me too. if u dont, my heart will stay on.
before this, i was looking at booking a staycation in sg for your bday. i was thinking since u didnt want any gifts or what.. just a simple day with u, snuggled up in bed, maybe watching some shows, eating some simple food... and it could make us both happy and have a sweet good time together. but now..
theres just so many things i wanna do with you.. and planned to do with you..
today is especially scary cos.. i wanted time alone cos i thought that if i cant take it, i can just let it all out.. like what i always used to do.. but then i cant. at a few occasions i just teared. but then the rest of the time even when i hurt like hell, or when i just feel so so pressured by everything. i cant even cry.. i cant even let it out. its just inside.. suffocating me.
As i show u this article, it makes so much sense.
Both men and women have ego-walls with cannons. But you’re going to be a man soon, so it’s important to tell you what men tend do with their ego walls—we justify them by pretending they are essential to being a “real” man. Really, most of us are just afraid our hearts won’t be good enough for the people we love, so we choose to stay safe and protected behind high walls with lots of cannons.
If you fall into the trap of thinking your ego-wall is essential to being a man, it will destroy any chance of having an enduringly joyful marriage. Because, in the end, the entire purpose of marriage is to dismantle your ego-wall, brick by brick, until you are fully available to the person you love. Open. Vulnerable. Dangerously united.
Buddy, people have sex because for a moment at the climax of it, their mind is without walls, the ego goes away, and they feel free and fully connected. With sex, the feeling lasts for only a moment. But if you commit yourself to marriage, you commit yourself to the long, painful, joyous work of dismantling your ego-walls for good. Then, the moment can last a lifetime.
What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Marry someone who has also embraced the only good reason to get married.
Someone who will commit to dying alongside you—not in fifty years, but daily, as they dismantle the walls of their ego with you.
Someone who will be more faithful to you than they are to their own safety.
Someone willing to embrace the beauty of sacrifice, the surrender of their strength, and the peril of vulnerability.
In other words, someone who wants to spend their one life stepping into a crazy, dangerous love with you and only you.
Everything in red is some of the parts which i really agree with..
i will commit to dying alongside u. like even if u fire ur ego cannon at me.. i wont let go.
i will be faithful to u. i guess u trust me on it.
though we all know that love is such a huge gamble, when i m just willing to step into this danger zone with you and only you.
and this gamble, can only be done once. u can say that i am weak. that my heart is so weak that i can only afford this gamble once. but.. this is the heart of that girl u chose to love. this heart is just so fragile. this heart can only be open by one person.
i guess its the same for both of us.. we open each other. but we can also lock each other. and im already seeing that lock.
not feeling well now at all. head heart all in pain.
can only just rest now.. and hope i dont have any bad dreams tonight.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
