hmm.. it's a very strange feeling..

went over to your place to stay over once again. gives me some sense of belonging to you? that doesn't sound right too.. but hmm guess just some form of comfort in some way ba.. even if it means we're each doing our own work, no talking also.. but just that being in the same space is comforting in its own way.

its expected that u wont be holding me in your sleep. though i really hope that u will hug me to slp.. but im really very satisfied that u allowed me to lean on your shoulder while sleeping, and even hug u through the blanket/pillow for awhile. i could feel your heart beat as i lean against u. maybe u dont know, that's actually a huge deal. its comfort, its security.

everything in your room still has traces of me. and that's another comfort. hopefully this wont change at all. the heart shape frame that i gave u, bought the sticky thing for u.. but did not get a chance to see it up on your wall. wonder when will i be able to see it... hmmm.. my room will definitely have traces of u.. and this will surely not change. it will only increase hopefully.

even though i expected that your phone wallpaper will change soon. i still felt that sadness overcoming me when i really saw it. although u mentioned that it doesnt mean anything.. in some sense i also believe you that by changing it, it doesnt mean that i mean anything less to u than before. but, its really saddening because i dont know when will u change it back to me again.. its a form of fear that will i slowly just fade away.. even though i know u dont mean it this way at all, there is always this fear in me that is easily popping up like a monster from time to time.. out of the smallest thing, or sometimes even out of nothing.. hmm hopefully beside my name in your contacts there's still a heart there.. i... will be really happy the next time i see it and it's back to me.. thou i duno when will that be.. just hope that someday it will come.. somehow, your phone is with u all the time.. and putting me back would probably mean, u miss me again. i dont know. perhaps having the same password lock still i shld be satisfied. having the same keychain i shld be satisfied. wallpaper.. hmmm.. till the next time when u would willingly put me.. perhaps is when u will willingly wanna take a photo with me too.

but in any case, when u gently wipe off my tears, when u gently hug me back and stroke my head.. that moment, thank you. meant alot to me.. when u said at the stn, we will text agn.. i also feel better.. and somehow allowed me to hug u a little before i entered the train too. all these, all these little things, meant alot to me.. helps me to ease abit of pain. hopefully it doesnt cause u anything discomfort.

honestly, 20th may still holds alot of significance to me. i duno if it does to u now, thou im sure that 20th may and u will surely think of me. even though it may not be a celebration now, i will somehow still treat it as it is.. that's why i will think of what to do. that's why i hope that its not gonna be just a dinner out and back home. but anything more than that means we wont be able to get back home in time. so i wanted to stay over at your place. previously u were very welcoming of me to stay over. now, thou u dont mind, i guess u have some restrain. hmm..

planning for all these, including ur bday, is what i will always be doing.. and always been thinking... not that i wanna spend alot of money on it. i just wanna spend quality time together with u.. even till now i want that.. i.. duno what is gg to happen in the next few months... 20th may is still 1+ mth away.. ur bday is still 3 mths away.. no matter what's gonna happen, i really hope that we can spend these special days happily together with each other.. put aside everything else, and just enjoy the moment. dont bother what is appropriate or not.. cos frankly speaking, i really dont see what's inappropriate btw us anymore really.

no matter what, just allow me to continue treating u as my bf.. just like that will do.. in this period of wait.. just let us be this way.. don't feel guilty or stress because of this.. i do all these willingly. in fact selfishly. let me be nice to u. let me take care of u. let me be the one beside u on every bday of yours. i selfishly also wish that u will be the one beside me on every bday of mine.

up till now, i know it very clearly that u r indeed very worthy of my love.. its just that, i dont know if im really worthy of your love too.. im just thankful that u do, up till now at least.

many many unfinished wishes with u.. many many places i wanna go with u.. many many things i wanna do with u.. all yet to have achieve.. may we have that chance to fulfil all these together.

hugsss...

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