i lost it last night.. i failed.. just couldnt take it anymore.

woke up feeling like crap.

my eyes feels swollen. my head is aching. im just not functioning.

in the staff room stoning. waiting for lessons. waiting for time to pass. waiting to go home and escape this reality. thou home is not even an escape for me. perhaps slp is.

with 2 observations coming up next wk, im still unprepared.

if i cant live without you, yet cant live with me. what should i do? how then u will willingly come back to me.. leading such a life for the next 2 years will kill me.

you promised me u wont be in another rs in these 2 years with someone else. yes its something more than u need to do. u dont have to. im not that gracious and big hearted to accept u with anyone else. what u said about not wanting to with others, no matter what u will still think of me.. i mean yes i feel comforted but then im still very upset.. im so upset with myself that i cant make u happy. im so upset i cant do anything now. im so upset that all i end up doing is crying and asking u back. all i want is u. all i want is for u to be back. all i want is for u to accept me. i wanna go up to u openly and just hold u. i wanna have the right to hold u and hug u.

sitting in sch now and i just wanna breakdown.. how to hold out like that?

im afraid that this cycle will keep repeating itself. im afraid that after holdin out for like a wk or 2, then i will end up breaking down agn. u will get sick of it.. is it really better this way for us?

it has been a very torturous 3 wks. because nth has improved. the previous time after 3 wks and things just arent like now.

the only time im not feeling anything, is prob when im really slpin.

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