today is a long long day... by the end of sch, im already drained out.. im actually feeling bad that i couldnt make it for meeting in sch today.. somehow when u told me nope its not bad i felt a little better actually.. but yea.. feel that it seems im not contributing what i ought to be doing.. practicum is busy.. but am i just using practicum now as an excuse, cos i have no mood to interact with cca ppl? but today, i really cant.. but maybe secretly, im glad that i really cant make it tonight ba..

before my mum flew, she texted me.. in her text she said that i must rest more cos im a panda.. in the evening, my xiaoyi texted me.. saying that my mum told her that i was moody last night.. and asked me to take care..guess that mean that i performed badly last night.. my masked failed. means i must look happier next time.. 怎么办？i must mask up more.. 再痛，都要笑。好辛苦，撑得好辛苦。

as i watch the channel 8 missy show tonight, the part where the sick girl got married and when they exchange the vows, i felt like crying agn.. i wonder, if we have the chance to exchange those vows.. will u stick by me, through everything?

the same show, makes me really upset too.. thou its not the same situation, that young girl loves that  missy, but that missy dont.. i love u too, the difference is that u love me too.. but theres just sth stopping u.. honestly, i do think of things which make myself super upset. i think of things which is not that selfish.. i do think that if u arent happy being with me, there is no point in me forcing u to be with me cos if u arent happy.. how can i be happy? i really love u so i really want u to be happy.. whether it is with me or not.. but when i think of this, i really cant stop crying again.. can i really be like this..? with the mentality that 如果要痛，就让我一个人痛吧。 与其两个人一起痛，或许放了你，你才会得到幸福。就算是我一个人，伤心着，至少，我爱的人，是幸福的。
as im typing all these, my tears are falling like crazy. can i really do this? its so much easier said than done.. even thou in me, i truly want u to be happy.. it seems that i dont have the courage to do this.. i m still being selfish.. cos of the pain that im in, i want u back with me.. this dilemma itself, is putting a huge stress in me..

for the above, it will only happen if, if u really dont want me anymore.. if u really just, i dont even know how to put it in words.. right up till now, my heart tells me that actually its not that u really dont want me.. somehow i think u still want me?? i really duno.. but then its also a fact that u "left" me..
honestly, im not prepared for it.. and i think i will never be prepared for it.. i cant even imagine what will happen to myself if sth happen agn.. my self-comfort now, is to tell myself, this guy i love here, wont hurt me like that, and leave me all alone. this guy i love, will love me back.. and eventually want me back.. it is just that sometimes, a self comfort itself can become a pain too.. only a comfort coming from you directly, and ease those pain..

the fact itself is killing me.. everything else now is comforting me.. it feels like im just walking on this very thin line.. anytime, i may just fall off.. and there wont be anyone catching me down there.

everyday is like an internal turmoil... its an internal battle, struggle, torture.

i have no choice, but to still take all these, with a smile...
never found it so hard to smile.. never felt that actually a smile can be filled with so much pain inside..

may tmr be a better day.. may i get some comfort tmr night.. may your presence itself, comfort me.. thou there is almost no chance at all u will give me a hug.. or a gentle touch on my head.. i.. must be patient and not lose hope.. this itself, is sucking my energy away too.. :'(

despite everything.. this quote may sound cheesy, but that i truly mean it when i type it..
"Being in love with you, is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me."

i wonder if u would think the same way, i wonder if u would feel this way too.. i would be glad if you are feeling the same as i do.. but whether or not u are, im sure there are many happy times we shared, that belongs to us dearly.. i just hope that, you will find back those feelings again..

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