today is really a busy day in sch.. was doing work from the start till the end... and i guess being busy did keep me from other thoughts.. today i duno why i just feel quite relaxed for my obs.. my last geog obs for practicum.. and i think it did turned out alright? though there was some hipcups at the start due to the projector.. hopefully i will get good feedback tmr!

but this morning wasnt good thou.. last night already had some giddiness feel so i quickly went to slp.. then this morning still have:( this time its even when i was lying down.. sighs.. duno whats wrong with me.. but luckily its not as bad as the other day cos it didnt cause nausea.. but really hope this will stop..

was really looking forward to seeing you today.. i guess after sunday i have been waiting for thursday somehow.. thou i dont know how it would be like everytime i meet u.. and also hmm kinda also know that even thou i can get lotsa comfort from meeting u, there are bound to be some stuff then will make me upset in some way..
and true enough, all these happened..

i was glad that u came up to me while we were walking to the centre.. and offered your help straight away.. really glad... but then my heart actually sank abit when i knew that u really dont share things with me now.. like just know u got a dinner appt tmr.. and u booked ur ippt alr.. it really seems like if i dont ask, i wont even know of it at all... sighs.. that really hurt quite abit.. i really hope that u would share with me more.. but looking on the bright side, when i mention of it u would still tell me and share with me.. so i guess thats already a good thing for me..

im also glad that u shared ur schedule with me.. and ur plans on sat.. even though i know im not in your plan at all, i shall just do my best to slot myself in.. but not at ur inconvenience. i will fit into ur schedule so that i dont impede your revision. thou i m thinking u probably may not really want it, thank you for still willing to do that. prob just giving me an hour of your time this wkend.. thankful for it already..

another thing that made my heart sank was your reply to me is really still quite cold when u meet me face to face.. in text i guess its just like tt ba.. not excited, not really anything.. but i still sense the concern somehow.. but face to face convo i think u hardly said anything.. even when u answer my questions its quite a convo killer sometimes.. heart ache really.. but im just hoping that u are ok with me asking and still willing to tell me ba.. and on the train as i stood close to u, i think ure moving away somehow.. yea.. hmm.. tonight, im actually still comfortable with the silence that we have.. i try to talk to u, but when i dont, i dont feel like its super terrible.. i duno if its sth good? but with the way the convo was carried out, with the heart sinking feeling.. i think sometimes i might have just feel like tearing again.. today i think i did successfully contain it well and try to think of the good things that i shld be thankful for such that it makes it still ok btw us? i duno.. i hope u can see the effort im trying really hard to put in.. i know u are also cos of everything tt ure doing.. thou our effort is different.. its still effort in our own way.

and lastly, im thankful and especially appreciative that u accepted my little half hug at my door step.. thou u didnt really hug me back, but erm kinda still feel ur hand a little at my back.. probably an unintentional one.. but its ok.. for tt brief moment, i was able to get your warmth.. feel u, hug u.. for every time that we meet, this will be all i ask for now can? before we part, just a little half hug like this.. it actually warms my heart... so despite everything else that makes my heart sink and sad.. this little sth will make up for it somehow..

sorry my dear honey that im still planning things in my mind and thinking of u in my mind just as thou as things were the same.. prob just the way i ask and i duno the feel and all might be different. but im still gg on with it.. sorry.. but i know i needa do it and be proactive with u.. or i wont get to see u at all.. a very big dillema and worry cos i do wonder how u feel on this.. no matter what u take me as now, by going with the flow, without pressure, may things just slowly, bit by bit, recovers..

loving u dearly.. because of this, i hold on.. i hold us. i do everything i can.. and ofcos, cos i wanna continue loving u, i will survive through this somehow.. with u still by my side, i know i will surely be able to survive and carry on with life. even if it means losing happiness for the time being, as long as i can get it back in the future, it will still be worth it. i dont think anyone out there can make me to this, or make me think its worth it for me to go through all this.. but u just do. so much so that i do it without any grumbles.. just think tt ure worth all my effort.. so sorry that my consideration now for u is mainly for u to be well physically and mentally.. but i still cant do till the standard that u hope for me.. really sorry..

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