woke up today feeling really tired... stood up and had a sudden giddy spell.. it was so strong that my world was literally spinning.. walked holding onto to the wall to the toilet.. the dizziness caused nausea.. and the whole motion sickness set in for the entire morning.. put on potion before leaving house.. went to sch for first period lesson forgetting to bring a number of things to class zzz.. thankfully it got better as the day went by..

generally today was just with a v heavy head... and preparing for tmr, clearing up some work, and then go for meeting.. and the day just went by like this... i didnt really think of alot of things while in sch today.. received your msg with concerns... and i was happy that way...

however, today after meeting, one beginning teacher, a friend in sch, she is the same age as me.. she was saying there's alot to do today.. she probably have to cancel dinner at her bf's house.. they are prob getting married next year cos their flat would be ready by then.. she said ya both of them are busy.. sometimes its hard to keep up with meeting twice a wk.. apparently they try to meet for dinners on wkdays.. and wkends they would meet too.. i said wait till wkends then can meet longer.. she said, but out of 7days can meet only twice abit sad le.. so once a wk is like even more sian..
upon hearing this.. i duno but i felt a little envious.. just a little cos can say meeting bf proudly. but not so envious cos i still get to see u weekly.. hmm.. wanting to meet u once a week, is it really too much in a rs? wanting to meet u, is really cos i miss u. hmm but well, thankful that u still willing to meet me once a wk. hmm well, guess i was tired, i wasnt too affected by this.. just ya, a little envious.. and tried to keep myself in check by thinking that hey ure still meeting me what.. so really i shldnt be that upset..

it was raining when i left sch.. hmm..

was randomly scrolling fb, until an image caused some tears in my eyes.. same thing again, am i just too selfish, do i love myself more than i love u? cos that picture has a quote that says "when u really love someone, you will want that person to be happy, even if their happiness does not involve you" really, when i saw that my whole mood just went down. im afraid that ur happiness wont involve me.. but yet i cant let u go.. i love you but i cant bear the pain.. this cause me even more pain.. like double stabbing into my heart.. i really need myself to be able to give u happiness..
had to stop these negative emotions in class, by haypi-ing.. tried to calm myself down.. well i managed.. but i know, its only on the surface.. this feeling, wont be gone..

home, showered, had dinner, watched tv.. all was erm, in a normal way.. im not happy, but at least im not super upset.. had to prepared for tmr crucial observation so i started doing what i had to.. but strangely, very strangely, as i was doing the materials for pair work for the students, i just suddenly feel very heavy-hearted. for no reason, just feeling super heavy hearted. as i continue to do all my work.. i cant pin point why too.. suddenly, felt like i need to hurry finish it, and hug snoopy.

and channel 8 drama, mr missy last episode.. this show really caused lotsa emotion in me.. i know its just a drama, i know i cant compare it with real life.. but seriously, whatever that haotian said at the airport.. i really feel the same way.. upon hearing those words, tears came to my eyes too.. our love should be able to withstand everything, good/bad.. i know your stand, perhaps to u love may not be able to overcome everything.. but love shld give us that strength to hold on together and face challenges together. upon hearing those words, i teared cos i also want u to say those words to be someday.. cant think too far ahead now i know, but sometimes, fantasising helps to calm myself down..

tonight is not a terrible night.. my emotions are not uncontrolled. yes im sad, but i can still keep it in check. if there is a scale of 0-10 happiness scale.. i always fall from 0-5.. either sad or at the best not thinking n feeling neutral.. sadly, nth has made me happy.. except some instances of happiness through some gently actions/words of yours.

one more mth.. one more mth after your exams, may things get better.. may we be able to enjoy time spent together more. really hope that this enjoyment does not only belongs to me, but us.. i really hope, that u will enjoy being with me as well.

please be happy my dearest honey..

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