` Tuesday, May 27, 2014 ♥
was all too tired after sunday.. and ytd was a long day... somehow, this wk just seem to pass really really slowly.. like it seems to be so long but its only tues night now...
last wkend was or yea considered a better wkend for me i guess? got to see u, dint feel so emo that i keep crying.. i didnt! but then sat apparently i also duno why.. i nv think nv anything.. i just look tired lo.. and apparently alot of ppl think that there is sth wrong with me.. or is surprised to see that i m so tired.. hmm.. its really true that i am tired.. i duno if im so tired cos its simply physical.. actually i think the mental definitely came into place.. oh well..
sunday, sth happy is i get to see u smile.. even thou not to me.. not cos of me.. i get to hug u... seriously my strength to cope with sch this wk.. but seriously this wk is so slow im starting to dread the week.. no idea why this wk is so slow.. but luckily im not the only one who feels this way.. jy and other teachers too..
less than half the week.. but i guess this is the way to go? next wk it is holidays.. im will be too free.. which isnt really the best thing.. haiz.. time to read up, prepare for next time.. i know i cant hope to spend much time with u.. but i hope there will be still time spent together.. even if its in silence.. i hope now u still can get comfortable silence when ure with me..
hmm.. watched the channel8 9pm show.. that show ah.. is really quite saddening.. all the heartbreaks.. and how girl thinks, n guy thinks.. sigh really sigh..
u may say that i am weak, but yes.. i think i only have the courage to love once. and cos i have fallen for u, i will always love u. i think this is one thing that will nv change, no matter how everything else changes. even if one day u tell me u dont love me anymore, i wont stop loving u.. but now, be glad, be really glad, cos ur love for me is not any less than mine is for u.
writing this, is really my way of comforting myself. my way of reminding myself that its really not that bad now.. you are still allowing so many things.. it means u have not given up entirely.. yes there is still hope somehow.. you said that i should be able to see all your effort.. yes i really do.. jiayou to us.. jiayou.. or jiayou to myself. jiayou to u, if u would appreciate it.
last wkend was or yea considered a better wkend for me i guess? got to see u, dint feel so emo that i keep crying.. i didnt! but then sat apparently i also duno why.. i nv think nv anything.. i just look tired lo.. and apparently alot of ppl think that there is sth wrong with me.. or is surprised to see that i m so tired.. hmm.. its really true that i am tired.. i duno if im so tired cos its simply physical.. actually i think the mental definitely came into place.. oh well..
sunday, sth happy is i get to see u smile.. even thou not to me.. not cos of me.. i get to hug u... seriously my strength to cope with sch this wk.. but seriously this wk is so slow im starting to dread the week.. no idea why this wk is so slow.. but luckily im not the only one who feels this way.. jy and other teachers too..
less than half the week.. but i guess this is the way to go? next wk it is holidays.. im will be too free.. which isnt really the best thing.. haiz.. time to read up, prepare for next time.. i know i cant hope to spend much time with u.. but i hope there will be still time spent together.. even if its in silence.. i hope now u still can get comfortable silence when ure with me..
hmm.. watched the channel8 9pm show.. that show ah.. is really quite saddening.. all the heartbreaks.. and how girl thinks, n guy thinks.. sigh really sigh..
u may say that i am weak, but yes.. i think i only have the courage to love once. and cos i have fallen for u, i will always love u. i think this is one thing that will nv change, no matter how everything else changes. even if one day u tell me u dont love me anymore, i wont stop loving u.. but now, be glad, be really glad, cos ur love for me is not any less than mine is for u.
writing this, is really my way of comforting myself. my way of reminding myself that its really not that bad now.. you are still allowing so many things.. it means u have not given up entirely.. yes there is still hope somehow.. you said that i should be able to see all your effort.. yes i really do.. jiayou to us.. jiayou.. or jiayou to myself. jiayou to u, if u would appreciate it.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Friday, May 23, 2014 ♥
today is the first day of school..
everything is in a mess.. i really duno what to expect.. its really very scary..
honey, there is this unexplained pressure that just builds up throughout the day when i was in school.. the moment i step out of sch i was nearly crumbling. im not even thinking of anything but that scary stress just eat me up.
i m so scared i dont even dare to think of anything.. i know im running away i came home and bathe and slp. i just need an escape. the start of school itself is scary.. the stress is already there.. even without my current situation i think i m gonna complain to u. but now coupled with this situation. is like fear and even more fear.. stress and even more stress.. so bad that even not thinking of anything i just feel the pressure that im actually tearing cos of the immense pressure built up inside me..
i still say u are my boyfriend.. but u wont say im your girlfriend. but im still gonna do it even if it hurts like hell. i really need it.. i try really hard to think of the nice things u do for me now..
honey, today is really bad. i can foresee that this start is gonna be really bad.. im so sorry but there is this emotional pressure in me that if u say u are short fused to me, im now just super short fuse to stress.. my stress level is almost at its max that a little bit more and i just really crumble inside.. sometimes i just know it cos i can actually feel that its like im suffocating inside.. the physical feeling of it..
im so sorry that the only way i can get some comfort now is really from your hugs.. please please give me such comforts.. please please.. is not that i wanna beg u.. but really please, i really cant handle it. please be here for me.. please be my support system.. i really need it..
everything is in a mess.. i really duno what to expect.. its really very scary..
honey, there is this unexplained pressure that just builds up throughout the day when i was in school.. the moment i step out of sch i was nearly crumbling. im not even thinking of anything but that scary stress just eat me up.
i m so scared i dont even dare to think of anything.. i know im running away i came home and bathe and slp. i just need an escape. the start of school itself is scary.. the stress is already there.. even without my current situation i think i m gonna complain to u. but now coupled with this situation. is like fear and even more fear.. stress and even more stress.. so bad that even not thinking of anything i just feel the pressure that im actually tearing cos of the immense pressure built up inside me..
i still say u are my boyfriend.. but u wont say im your girlfriend. but im still gonna do it even if it hurts like hell. i really need it.. i try really hard to think of the nice things u do for me now..
honey, today is really bad. i can foresee that this start is gonna be really bad.. im so sorry but there is this emotional pressure in me that if u say u are short fused to me, im now just super short fuse to stress.. my stress level is almost at its max that a little bit more and i just really crumble inside.. sometimes i just know it cos i can actually feel that its like im suffocating inside.. the physical feeling of it..
im so sorry that the only way i can get some comfort now is really from your hugs.. please please give me such comforts.. please please.. is not that i wanna beg u.. but really please, i really cant handle it. please be here for me.. please be my support system.. i really need it..
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Monday, May 19, 2014 ♥
Read a couple of post... and a few caught me...
"You’re flashing everyone your brightest smile, giving out doses of positivity while insecurities eat away at your core. Your stomach feels like it’s constantly being tied in tight, unraveling knots. You want so desperately to say everything that is on your mind, but words escape you. You never want to appear weak even if your lips did happen to stumble across the right sentences. Your friends wonder how someone who appears so calm and collected on the surface could be conflicted and struggling internally. You are the one who is always giving advice. The same advice you can never seem to take yourself. Harsh waves of bottled up emotion beat against the statue of the character you portray, weathering it down, and dulling your shine. How much longer can you wear the mask before it falls off?"
This is really sth.. i hang on strongly in front of others.. when i cant i hide and choose to be alone.. this mask will carry on till the day u come back to me.. unless u choose to leave me totally then prob i will just have to disappear instead.
"You’re flashing everyone your brightest smile, giving out doses of positivity while insecurities eat away at your core. Your stomach feels like it’s constantly being tied in tight, unraveling knots. You want so desperately to say everything that is on your mind, but words escape you. You never want to appear weak even if your lips did happen to stumble across the right sentences. Your friends wonder how someone who appears so calm and collected on the surface could be conflicted and struggling internally. You are the one who is always giving advice. The same advice you can never seem to take yourself. Harsh waves of bottled up emotion beat against the statue of the character you portray, weathering it down, and dulling your shine. How much longer can you wear the mask before it falls off?"
This is really sth.. i hang on strongly in front of others.. when i cant i hide and choose to be alone.. this mask will carry on till the day u come back to me.. unless u choose to leave me totally then prob i will just have to disappear instead.
[How do you know someone cares]
"Someone who cares will ask you how your day is. They want to know what you’re doing; they want to know if something significant has happened in your life. You don’t have to talk to them all the time, but when you do see them, they will want to know how you are. Not out of some sort of obligation, but because they genuinely want to know.
Someone who cares will tell you things. They’ll tell you how ridiculous that parking ticket was; they’ll tell you a joke they found hilarious. Some people share more than others, but someone who cares will tell you things that matter to them, no matter how small that thing is.
Someone who cares will listen. Now, there are times when they won’t listen well. We all do that sometimes: we’re distracted, or so excited we talk over each other. But a person who cares will listen to you regularly, because your opinions matter to them. The things you say make some sort of impact on them – your opinions make them think, or make them laugh. But in their way, whatever that way is, they will listen.
Someone who cares wants to see you. They like spending time with you. It’s not hard to read the pleasure on their face in your company. Someone who doesn’t care is ambivalent, or pays attention only when it suits their selfish purposes.
A person who cares about you will take time for you. Even if it’s just a few times a year – that friend from your hometown, the one separated from you by an entire 2000 miles. When you’re home, they will want to see you. They’ll chat with you online, or maybe they’ll call you. Sometimes weeks or months might pass, but when it counts, if in your darkest hour you need them, they will respond, and will do so gladly.
Someone who cares will not make you feel bad for taking up said time. Although they might be busy, so are you. They will want to spend the time on you because that is just what you do when you care for someone. They won’t make you feel bad for asking to hang out, feel guilty that your time is less valuable than whatever else they are doing.
People are never perfect, so you will not always get along with the person who cares about you. Sometimes you will be frustrated, or feel ignored, or accidentally ignore them, or fight. Mistakes will be made, because hey, we’re all human. But then time passes, and if you can, you rectify the situation. Because that’s what you do with people who truly matter.
Sometimes a person who once cared for you stops caring. Maybe they wanted to end your relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or familial. Maybe you did something wrong, or distance separated you, or they changed as a person. Sometimes you bond with someone, or do something for them, or have a heart-to-heart, and they care for you once more. Caring is a fluid thing that can change over time. But there are also some people who never really cared for you, people who you know will never care for you, no matter what you do.
People who don’t care will not text you back. If you make no effort to see them or talk to them, you know, deep down, they won’t try. They will forget you if you stop trying. Because if a person doesn’t care about you, they rarely think about you. They don’t care about your opinions. Because if you care about someone, they exist in your mind. You think about them, you wonder about them, perhaps not all the time, but they are there.
If it’s a boyfriend or girlfriend, someone who doesn’t care about you will not try to make you come. They are so concentrated on their own pleasure that yours means nothing to them. When you’re talking, they will not want to know how you are doing. I once decided to drive up to see an ex fling I hadn’t seen for a year. He did not ask a single question about me, but just talked about himself. If a person doesn’t care about you, they won’t register your facial expressions. They won’t try to smooth things over if things go wrong. They will never consider your feelings, but instead think only of their own.
A person who doesn’t care about you is not necessarily a bad person. It’s just that they are not attached to you. Maybe they have enough people in their life to care about. Maybe there are things about you they don’t like that they have never mentioned. Occasionally, they are just a selfish and uncaring person. Sometimes there is no real reason. But it is important to really think about the people who care about you and the people who don’t. Because when you care for someone, you invest in them. What happens to them affects you, and their lack of care will hurt you. So cherish the people who care about you, and do not invest your time, and your heart, into people who do not."
I care.. and i know u care. its just that even thou u care, there are other obstacles that prevents or stops u from truly caring now.. and honestly, that hurts damn alot too. but i gotta be strong, be it for your sake or for my own. but my strength, is still coming from the remaining care u have for me..
"1. Pet Names Aren’t Cheesy
…to you at least. When you and your partner are in a quality relationship that is bound to last, the ridiculous pet names that you call each other won’t seem the least bit embarrassing. Calling each other “bae” or “boo” can sound horrifying until it’s actually happening with the the right person. At that point, those names can take over and calling each other by your standard nicknames or *gasp your full names will seem awkward.
If you’re single hearing couples talk in public can be mildly uncomfortable, and listening to your friends talking about their significant other might make you feel like you need a drink. When you’re on the other side of the relationship however, it’s hard to see what makes any discussion about the two of you repulsive. They’re your better half, plain and simple.
2. You’re Trying New Things Together
Most of us have brought dates to do something we’ve always loved to do. That could be watching planes land at the airport, or maybe you’re daring enough to ask about going for a hike. What really shows a strong relationship is when the two of you start doing things that you haven’t explored too deeply before. This can be intimidating, especially when creative dates can entail a never-ending list of expenses. But I’m not really talking about dates, which are definitely an important part of relationships (see below), but about ongoing activities. If you can handle it, reading the same book at the same time can actually be a lot of fun. Books may not be for you, so watching a seriously terrible Netflix comedy together may be your style (we like Trailer Park Boys a lot).
3. Your Sex Life Is Evolving
Before I get into this I want to say that I’m not attempting to tell anyone what to do, you can wait until marriage or beyond if you want to.
The first time with someone new can be the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. The way their skin feels against yours, that little thing they do…you were surprised at first but it really brought you some place you’ve never been. This is fairly common – most people get a thrill from doing new things. Your first time with someone should only be a starting point (we know you were in missionary the whole time).
Getting kinky is great option, provided that you’re being safe and consensual as you should always be. I was amazed the first time I visited a sex shop and found how relaxed the atmosphere was, with one woman even commenting to herself, “What do you get for a girl who already has everything?” She was standing near the whips/ miscellaneous leather goods section, just for context. Don’t be ashamed of trying something, because nobody outside your relationship has any right to know anything. Also, please PLEASE communicate! Have some pillow talk afterwards and ask each other what you liked, were indifferent about, or were made uncomfortable by. If something really is uncomfortable though, you should be speaking up while it’s happening.
4. Knowing That Time Apart Can Be Important
Instead of being sad when that special person is away, you are looking forward to what it will be like when they return. The reunion can be a magical time when your feelings become overwhelming, as in “Why are you crying?” Followed by, “I didn’t know that I was crying.” Time apart gives each of you time to think about what you appreciate in the other person and time to let dissipate anything that gets under your skin. When you’re falling asleep in bed alone and you’re longing for their scent, you know what’s truly important.
This isn’t to say that you don’t miss them terribly, but it’s more of an appreciative sort of ache.¬ If you’re paralyzed with depression when you’re apart then there will be a harsh reality check coming up. Relying on someone else to survive is no way to live you life. Enjoying survival because of another person, however, can be what life is all about.
5. You Start To Become More Like Each Other
This is mostly self-explanatory, but psychology backs it up. When you like someone you want to be more like them. This may be in speech (I’ve become decent with a New York accent), music tastes, friends, weekend ventures, or even your attitude. When you’re with someone, you shouldn’t be trying to change each other but you may ultimately change yourselves. This is one of my favorite things to observe in other couples, because it says that their relationship is going to last.
6. …But you maintain your own identities
Couples that don’t have any contrasting characteristics are scary and cult-like. There’s no way you both have the same favorite movie, song, and favorite color. Don’t lie to me. MAUVE? Everything you own is fifty shades of gray, so don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. But seriously, that creeps people out.
7. Saying “I Love You” Means Something
Ever since our first boyfriends and girlfriends, we’ve wanted to say, “I love you” just like the people in movies. But let be honest here – love is something that takes time. While love takes many different forms, it has never been my experience that it is instantaneous. Love-at-first-sight is an infatuation; an appreciation for another person. Love is about trust and a mutual understanding of values. Love is a complex object that, one built, can withstand a lot of damage and a long time. But it’s not forever unless it’s maintained and cared for.
The sign to look for is that when “I love you” is said, there is some obvious feeling behind it even if it is only a text message. Saying those words out of habit and not out of feeling is a bad thing to start doing and can be the single most damaging factor to the actual feelings behind the words. Starting to say those three words before it is time can also be a bad thing, so why not wait until you’re sure? “I love you” is one of those things that you think you know about until you do know, and then you’re sure. But you already know this; you’re in a good relationship.
8. You’re Not Worried About Breaking Up or Cheating
So many people in relationships are worried about upsetting their significant other and being broken up with. The same goes for cheating, i.e. “What if he cheats on me while he’s at that bachelor party?” If you’re actually that worried about it, what makes you think it hasn’t happened already? A good relationship will have no evidence that a there will be an upcoming breakup or a potential opportunity for cheating. If your partner were in a room full of naked, consenting models, would they lose control? If you answered yes to the above, you either have trust issues or a partner that is definitely going to cheat on you. Would your partner break up with you if you shaved your hair off or did some other ridiculous thing to your appearance? That’s not a good sign.
9. You Make Sacrifices To Maintain Their Happiness
Your happiness is just as valid as theirs, and you recognize that. Sure, you’d really like to go to that football game you’ve been waiting for three months to go to but their mother’s 60th birthday is today and you’re going to leave at halftime because it’s the right thing to do. The best part is, you’re not even upset about it.
This applies in the bedroom too. Yeah, you’ve never considered putting that in there but it’s not going to cause damage, you’re not morally opposed to it, and it doesn’t frighten you so why not? Pleasing your partner makes you just as happy as it makes them."
I wanna have all these with you.. some i think we already have.. i just needa re-ignite it again...
Honey, think of why u choose me can. see that its choose and not chose. but i wanna be ur present n future too.
----------
honey ah honey.. although i really dont wanna think this way.. and i dont know if im thinking too much but i think i probably isnt??? but i think that u are purposely delaying your replies.. like really really delaying a long long time.. like one day u hardly send me 3-4 texts? the time lapse is like 4-5 hrs sometimes? sighs... as much as i try my best to focus on the good.. will my honey be mine.. will my honey wanna hear from me more?
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Sunday, May 18, 2014 ♥
today is a happy day... because u came over for dinner.. u came to my house despite everything.. u were willing to talk and smile to my mum and ahma... do u know that seeing all these things that u are still willing to do for me.. im really really happy...
honey, i duno about you... but i really think that my mum and ahma have already regarded u as my future husband, regard u as the man who they are going to marry their daughter/granddaughter to. from the way they interacted and the words that say, i really think this is the case. i really hope that i wont disappoint them.
i duno when will be the next time u have a meal with my family... i really hope that there will still be a next time.. i hope that next time when my mum ask u over u will be willing to come.. i really really hope..
again, counting my blessings... im touched by your actions tonight.. yes just simply being here for dinner.. being here in the position of my bf in front of my family at least... really thank you so so much..
honey, i duno about you... but i really think that my mum and ahma have already regarded u as my future husband, regard u as the man who they are going to marry their daughter/granddaughter to. from the way they interacted and the words that say, i really think this is the case. i really hope that i wont disappoint them.
i duno when will be the next time u have a meal with my family... i really hope that there will still be a next time.. i hope that next time when my mum ask u over u will be willing to come.. i really really hope..
again, counting my blessings... im touched by your actions tonight.. yes just simply being here for dinner.. being here in the position of my bf in front of my family at least... really thank you so so much..
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
went for dinner and drinks with jy and wn...
talk talk talkon sch, work and life..
wn mentioned that she is really starting to be worried that she will remain single.. but she really really wants to get married. jy also say seems really hard but she doesnt wanna get married as much as wn..
honestly, im just like wn.. i really really wanna get married. i really really wanna have a family of my own.. but the thing is, there is only one person in this world whom i wanna get married to. this will not change. u may say that im stubborn. and u also know that i really am. so u shld really know that i really mean what i say. i really will never be able to get married unless you are the one i am marrying.
and the only way for this to be possible, is for u to not be scared of me anymore.. for u to want me more than anything else. for u to see that this girl here is just gonna wait forever.
the past few days during my course, they showed a few touching videos. and i was upset and i felt like tearing in class.. a few classmates teared.. but i held it in.. even thou it has nth to do with bgr.. i was upset and i thought of u.. but i held it in.. i have come to realised that i am always strong in front of friends, family.. which resulted me to be really weak when im with myself and when im with you.. im trying really really hard to be stronger in front of u too. a vid said: "let people live in your heart forever". u will always live in my heart. even if i have to depend on the 6 years memories to carry on with my life. but im thankful that we are still creating memories together now.
one of the sharing mentioned that the starting of teaching is definitely gonna be real tough.. but u really need a strong support.. so needa find the support that keeps u going.. and when they said that, i thought of u.. i really do need your support... and im praying hard that u will still continue to be my support system. if im really stressed about sch, if im getting burned out.. i really hope that u will just give me a hug and tell me its ok and that u will always be here for me.. ur hug is magically powerful to me. ur smile lights up my day. if u nv knew this, this is one reason for me to love u so much. i kinda hope that my smile actually makes u smile too.
reminder to self: count my blessings. be happy that u are still here. im really happy when u told me about ur lunch appt tmr. simple things like this im happy.. im even happier when u actually offer to pei me to ikea next sat evening.. although i duno if its gonna happen next sat but im really really happy u offered. honey, actually i can be not that scary and demanding too. and if u will, slowly realise that the true me can also be a me u love.
talk talk talkon sch, work and life..
wn mentioned that she is really starting to be worried that she will remain single.. but she really really wants to get married. jy also say seems really hard but she doesnt wanna get married as much as wn..
honestly, im just like wn.. i really really wanna get married. i really really wanna have a family of my own.. but the thing is, there is only one person in this world whom i wanna get married to. this will not change. u may say that im stubborn. and u also know that i really am. so u shld really know that i really mean what i say. i really will never be able to get married unless you are the one i am marrying.
and the only way for this to be possible, is for u to not be scared of me anymore.. for u to want me more than anything else. for u to see that this girl here is just gonna wait forever.
the past few days during my course, they showed a few touching videos. and i was upset and i felt like tearing in class.. a few classmates teared.. but i held it in.. even thou it has nth to do with bgr.. i was upset and i thought of u.. but i held it in.. i have come to realised that i am always strong in front of friends, family.. which resulted me to be really weak when im with myself and when im with you.. im trying really really hard to be stronger in front of u too. a vid said: "let people live in your heart forever". u will always live in my heart. even if i have to depend on the 6 years memories to carry on with my life. but im thankful that we are still creating memories together now.
one of the sharing mentioned that the starting of teaching is definitely gonna be real tough.. but u really need a strong support.. so needa find the support that keeps u going.. and when they said that, i thought of u.. i really do need your support... and im praying hard that u will still continue to be my support system. if im really stressed about sch, if im getting burned out.. i really hope that u will just give me a hug and tell me its ok and that u will always be here for me.. ur hug is magically powerful to me. ur smile lights up my day. if u nv knew this, this is one reason for me to love u so much. i kinda hope that my smile actually makes u smile too.
reminder to self: count my blessings. be happy that u are still here. im really happy when u told me about ur lunch appt tmr. simple things like this im happy.. im even happier when u actually offer to pei me to ikea next sat evening.. although i duno if its gonna happen next sat but im really really happy u offered. honey, actually i can be not that scary and demanding too. and if u will, slowly realise that the true me can also be a me u love.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Thursday, May 15, 2014 ♥
counting my blessings...
focus on the positive, not on the negative.. trying hard..
honey still texts me.. honey still care for me.. honey still loves me.. honey still is here for me..
of the things that makes u scared, i hope that after time, u will not be scared and get the courage.. especially when u see that i can be the one for you..
focus on the positive, not on the negative.. trying hard..
honey still texts me.. honey still care for me.. honey still loves me.. honey still is here for me..
of the things that makes u scared, i hope that after time, u will not be scared and get the courage.. especially when u see that i can be the one for you..
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
maybe cos its just talks.. anyway the mood around jy and all is quite down so ya i just feel like tt lo..
but when i went for afth.. i knew i was a goner when it comes to socialising already..
i could do work.. i really could think and do work just as i did before..
but really talking nonsense? having fun? no..
i basically kept quiet the whole time unless ppl as me questions.
when they laugh i just feel out of place and i just wanna be alone.
people tell me i look tired. and i brush it off saying ya work.
i basically dont even wanna interact with them anymore..
wkend getway? sorry not interested also.
my life.. it has too much of an impact on it.
all the messages we have exchange helps me to understand better. but also put me at lotsa pain too.. thou i have been controlling and managing it at a calmer level.
how can i soften u up? how can i make u responsible to me? but this is not really sth that i want also. rather, a chance for me to show u that im worth it.
even if not now, but as time goes by and slowly u will grant me my wish.
but when i went for afth.. i knew i was a goner when it comes to socialising already..
i could do work.. i really could think and do work just as i did before..
but really talking nonsense? having fun? no..
i basically kept quiet the whole time unless ppl as me questions.
when they laugh i just feel out of place and i just wanna be alone.
people tell me i look tired. and i brush it off saying ya work.
i basically dont even wanna interact with them anymore..
wkend getway? sorry not interested also.
my life.. it has too much of an impact on it.
all the messages we have exchange helps me to understand better. but also put me at lotsa pain too.. thou i have been controlling and managing it at a calmer level.
how can i soften u up? how can i make u responsible to me? but this is not really sth that i want also. rather, a chance for me to show u that im worth it.
even if not now, but as time goes by and slowly u will grant me my wish.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Wednesday, May 14, 2014 ♥
Ytd it further tells me that you are the only one that can truly comfort me.. And this comes naturally, from within.. Something I can't force/control..
I was feeling so down n painful the whole afternoon n night... Is can feel the pain in the chest literally. And guess what, your final message calmed me down and comforted me.. I duno why but your final msg tone was softer. I could sense care.. And that's all it takes... 只要你对我好一点，我就会感到安慰... It's so easy for u to make me happy. You have no idea how happy I am due to the smallest actions or words from u.. Only u are capable of make me tear. Both of sadness and happiness. If u have not realised, u are occupying a huge part of my heart. So much that this heart will prob be dead without u. You have become an integral and irreplaceable part of my life. If u walk out of me, it's as good as me being a walking dead. You will walk away with my heart and soul. You will prob nv see me truly happy again. I trust u. I trust u so much. I trust u won't destroy me. Not cos u are guilty. But cos u love me. Cos your heart aches for me and would want to see me smile than in tears.
Maybe this is gonna be a long storm. It's gonna be a hard struggle. It's gonna drain us. But if I have u I will pull through. Maybe u don't need me, but be it subconsciously or not, hopefully with me ard it helps u to pull through tog with me too. And all I'm waiting, is for the rainbow after the storm. It better come.
I was feeling so down n painful the whole afternoon n night... Is can feel the pain in the chest literally. And guess what, your final message calmed me down and comforted me.. I duno why but your final msg tone was softer. I could sense care.. And that's all it takes... 只要你对我好一点，我就会感到安慰... It's so easy for u to make me happy. You have no idea how happy I am due to the smallest actions or words from u.. Only u are capable of make me tear. Both of sadness and happiness. If u have not realised, u are occupying a huge part of my heart. So much that this heart will prob be dead without u. You have become an integral and irreplaceable part of my life. If u walk out of me, it's as good as me being a walking dead. You will walk away with my heart and soul. You will prob nv see me truly happy again. I trust u. I trust u so much. I trust u won't destroy me. Not cos u are guilty. But cos u love me. Cos your heart aches for me and would want to see me smile than in tears.
Maybe this is gonna be a long storm. It's gonna be a hard struggle. It's gonna drain us. But if I have u I will pull through. Maybe u don't need me, but be it subconsciously or not, hopefully with me ard it helps u to pull through tog with me too. And all I'm waiting, is for the rainbow after the storm. It better come.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Tuesday, May 13, 2014 ♥
i know im being really emo these few days..
i m really trying.. but my heart keep sinking..
i am hanging on to sunday.. i know somehow, i will get through this wk cos i know that i will see u this sunday.. and somehow, get some comfort.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
Why am I losing everything??:'(
It feels so terrible to know that u didn't tell me that ure out:(
I guessed u won't accept it on your timeline.. But knowing that u won't n didn't still hurts me so much.
Omg I just can't stop tearing now:'(
It feels so terrible to know that u didn't tell me that ure out:(
I guessed u won't accept it on your timeline.. But knowing that u won't n didn't still hurts me so much.
Omg I just can't stop tearing now:'(
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
gotten the final posting.. and ohboy i felt so suffocated putting up a strong front today.
honestly, i would have also complained to you and all but i probably wouldnt have broke down like that... cos sch posting is just like tt lo.. i will complain, i will be worried.. but i wont be so sad.
i would prob still think that i can survive..
but then now really, all i wanna think of is us.. i somehow think that i dont need anything good to happen to me in my career if it can be exchanged with sth good happening btw us.. sth good that i can set up a family with you.. its a super worthwhile sacrifice in my opinion.. sacrifice is prob the wrong word to use even. cos i will be so happy and willing for that.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Saturday, May 10, 2014 ♥
[Date someone who makes it impossible to date anyone else]
Date someone who knows you, perhaps, even better than yourself. Date someone who can tell your mood by the twitch of your face, or a fleeting side glance. Date someone who knows your every little or big secret, and still loves you anyway – despite knowing damn well what he’s getting into (that you could have a personality disorder or some mental health risks. No biggie).
Date someone who can make you happy, on days when you simply can’t. Date someone who tries, and still gives you the “butterflies” even when he isn’t really trying. Date someone who knows the best ways to make you smile, and the worst. Date someone who remembers the little things that you don’t expect him to, like the brand of your favourite childhood snack, your mom’s birthday, or the dress that you fell in love with at the shop’s display window.
Date someone who tells you “it’s all worth it” to invest his time, effort and money in exchange of a big genuine smile on your face. Date someone who makes you want to be the person who loves more, even though it’s gonna be a tough competition.
Date someone who turns your insecurities or flaws into strengths. That you’re not quiet, you’re thoughtful. That you’re not insecure, but needs more love and assurance. That you’re beautiful, if only you could see through my eyes.
Heck, date someone who is “delusional” enough to think you’re the most attractive human being he’s ever met. Not just on the outside, but the inside too. Date someone who notices when you have curled your hair, or splurged on a nice dress to go on a dinner date. Date someone who laughs at your jokes, even when you’re aware that they are like, really bad. Date someone who listens, and understands even when the words don’t match your feelings.
Date someone who shares – his attention, circles of friends, or even an apartment together. Date someone who doesn’t mind your quirks and habits, or even describes them as “adorable” (seriously? *burps*).
Date someone who celebrates you, and together, “us”. Date someone who is there for you in every milestone in life: your first job interview, a performance concert, or when you finally learned how to cook spaghetti Bolognese from scratch (yay!). Date someone who doesn’t mind holding silly little celebrations of your love too: first kiss, “monthly” anniversaries or a favourite love song that is the best to cuddle to.
Date someone who still keeps a secret stash of your favourite food, even when you’ve been complaining that “it’s time to go on a diet!!!!!” #eatclean #lovedirty
Date someone who spoils you. Maybe a little too much, sometimes.
Date someone who makes you do crazy things that you’d never have done before too. Like watching a bunch of sweaty men chasing after a ball, or learning how to cook despite never setting foot in the kitchen before this, whole relationship thing. (In his defence, he probably had to sit through a chick flick or carry your handbag when you’re busy shopping too.)Date someone who respects your personal ideas and beliefs, even when he represents the complete opposite. Date someone who doesn’t try to change who you are, and understands that you’ve lived a life before him. Date someone who accepts your family and friends too, including your loud, overbearing mom or that girlfriend who loves to gossip a little too much (ahem, girls will be girls).
Date someone who makes you feel excited about the future, knowing that he’ll be right smack in it.
Date someone who makes you feel excited about the future, knowing that he’ll be right smack in it.
Date someone who takes you through all sorts of days. The high, the low, and the mundane in-between. At the end of the day, you’re just grateful to have someone to go home to.
Date someone who makes you understand, finally, what is love. Because that’s all that counts. The magical four-letter word that is now unconditionally linked to him. Date someone who makes even the wildest of you to believe in love, and practise it, day after day.
Above all, date someone who makes it impossible to date someone else. Because quite frankly, no one else would ever measure up.
And what happens when you found this someone who makes it simply impossible to date anyone else? what happens when this someone is thinking of letting me go? its so so painful... so painful that even time cant heal..
the best part is, u can hurt me over and over again, yet i still choose to believe in you. yet i chose to trust that u wont truly allow me to breakdown totally.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Thursday, May 8, 2014 ♥
50 things you need to do to make a relationship last.
We have been doing many well, of cos there are some we may not be that good in and needs improvement, but i truly think we both what to make ours last.
There is just this one point i wish you would see..
Honey, i dont know if u are thinking for me, wanting the best for me, thinking that u cant provide me with true happiness, thats why u made this decision... or are u just thinking that u arent happy, there u just dont want me for ur own sake..
if it is the former, then adapting beats abandoning.. no way will i be better without you..
if it is the latter, i hope your love for me, and my love for you, will give u the confidence to overcome all these insecurities.
--------------
you know, i m abit scared.. is your texts getting colder? is our situation getting worse?
you didnt reply me at times right..? u chose not to right? these thoughts come to my mind..
honey, i m really trying very very hard to be positive. no matter what u throw me into i try to look at it positively. maybe im deceiving myself. but no matter how tough i know i needa hang on now. can u see my effort? can u see my heart? can u see that im holding on not cos im childish, but cos im so dead serious about you... my effort in trying to make the atmosphere lighter, doesnt seems to work:(
please try your best to treat me like someone you love. not someone u wish to abandon please.
this girl you love here, is really trying very hard..
------------
as practicum is coming to an end..
i duno why.. i fear.
i fear, you will gradually disappear.
some time later, i hope u will hold my hand and tell me, you will always be here for me.
and you will be here forever.
We have been doing many well, of cos there are some we may not be that good in and needs improvement, but i truly think we both what to make ours last.
There is just this one point i wish you would see..
Adapting beats abandoning.
There will be moments when you want to quit, walk out, give up. You can do that. But you will probably be doing so without giving due consideration to the new life that awaits you. Will you be better off in six months? 10 years?Honey, i dont know if u are thinking for me, wanting the best for me, thinking that u cant provide me with true happiness, thats why u made this decision... or are u just thinking that u arent happy, there u just dont want me for ur own sake..
if it is the former, then adapting beats abandoning.. no way will i be better without you..
if it is the latter, i hope your love for me, and my love for you, will give u the confidence to overcome all these insecurities.
--------------
you know, i m abit scared.. is your texts getting colder? is our situation getting worse?
you didnt reply me at times right..? u chose not to right? these thoughts come to my mind..
honey, i m really trying very very hard to be positive. no matter what u throw me into i try to look at it positively. maybe im deceiving myself. but no matter how tough i know i needa hang on now. can u see my effort? can u see my heart? can u see that im holding on not cos im childish, but cos im so dead serious about you... my effort in trying to make the atmosphere lighter, doesnt seems to work:(
please try your best to treat me like someone you love. not someone u wish to abandon please.
this girl you love here, is really trying very hard..
------------
as practicum is coming to an end..
i duno why.. i fear.
i fear, you will gradually disappear.
some time later, i hope u will hold my hand and tell me, you will always be here for me.
and you will be here forever.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Tuesday, May 6, 2014 ♥
last week of practicum.. nth much to do in sch.. really just waiting for time to pass..
hmm somehow the times as i was waiting for piano, i felt really down and heavy.. not too long ago, i was in a i dun need to worry about future cos i have you. i mean i m in a serious rs that is looking at settling down soon. now i worry. i just felt really down.. my goal was so clear previously.. earn money to get a house, to set up a family with you. now, i lost this goal but yet im still keeping this goal.
today was not the usual sadness that fills my eyes with tears. it is the super heavy feeling deep inside.. it is those when tears dont come, but then its bleeding like hell inside.. and i realised, this is worse. cos i cant even do anything to comfort myself.
"If you said that you’ll go back after giving some time for yourself, then fine. All I could do now is to have faith in you and I’m refusing to believe the negative signs that I am seeing. I know in my heart that you’re worth my trust. You are worth the pain."
this is exactly how i feel. even though u didnt say u will come back, u just said there is a chance and that all these things that ure still doing now is showing sth. but yea, im just putting all my faith in u that u wont bear to see me breakdown and leave me alone to fend for myself. trusting that these 6 years we did build a foundation. i trust u. i willing to take all this pain now and still hold on. just because it is you.
watched a tale of 2 brains.. its a marriage workshop, and it is recommended by my colleague. they talk about very real issues on how man and woman brain works in a light-hearted manner. and we are also no exception.
man: when he is stress, he just wanna be left alone.
woman: when she is stress, she just wanna rant and need someones to listen.
so true.
i know there are still many areas im lacking in. but im willing to slowly learn.. dont deny me this chance of learning, and improving.
we are all not perfect. i dont expect u to be one. i love u just the way u are and im willing to accept your imperfections. but i really hope for u to accept my imperfections too. no one in this world can ever care for me like u do, no one can ever understands me like you do. no one will ever make me feel like im the luckiest girl on earth filled with happiness like u do. (thou yes no one can ever break my heart like u do too)
follow your heart my honey, im quite sure your heart still leads you to me.
hmm somehow the times as i was waiting for piano, i felt really down and heavy.. not too long ago, i was in a i dun need to worry about future cos i have you. i mean i m in a serious rs that is looking at settling down soon. now i worry. i just felt really down.. my goal was so clear previously.. earn money to get a house, to set up a family with you. now, i lost this goal but yet im still keeping this goal.
today was not the usual sadness that fills my eyes with tears. it is the super heavy feeling deep inside.. it is those when tears dont come, but then its bleeding like hell inside.. and i realised, this is worse. cos i cant even do anything to comfort myself.
"If you said that you’ll go back after giving some time for yourself, then fine. All I could do now is to have faith in you and I’m refusing to believe the negative signs that I am seeing. I know in my heart that you’re worth my trust. You are worth the pain."
this is exactly how i feel. even though u didnt say u will come back, u just said there is a chance and that all these things that ure still doing now is showing sth. but yea, im just putting all my faith in u that u wont bear to see me breakdown and leave me alone to fend for myself. trusting that these 6 years we did build a foundation. i trust u. i willing to take all this pain now and still hold on. just because it is you.
watched a tale of 2 brains.. its a marriage workshop, and it is recommended by my colleague. they talk about very real issues on how man and woman brain works in a light-hearted manner. and we are also no exception.
man: when he is stress, he just wanna be left alone.
woman: when she is stress, she just wanna rant and need someones to listen.
so true.
i know there are still many areas im lacking in. but im willing to slowly learn.. dont deny me this chance of learning, and improving.
we are all not perfect. i dont expect u to be one. i love u just the way u are and im willing to accept your imperfections. but i really hope for u to accept my imperfections too. no one in this world can ever care for me like u do, no one can ever understands me like you do. no one will ever make me feel like im the luckiest girl on earth filled with happiness like u do. (thou yes no one can ever break my heart like u do too)
follow your heart my honey, im quite sure your heart still leads you to me.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Sunday, May 4, 2014 ♥
"我沒有放棄 也不會離你而去 那怕要分開 我依然等你
我全心全意 等你的消息 總會有一天
你會相信我 我愛你"
rewatched the whole series of xian jian qi xia zhuan. its a beautiful but really sad drama. i rmbed when i first watched it years ago on tv i cried at many episodes. today, i watched. i teared. this drama, gave me the excuse to tear. feeling suffocated, but i cant let it out. i actually felt so terrible that i wanted to ask jy n wn out for a drink.. theres no way i can get drunk n numb myself thou, but perhaps meeting them can take my mind off temporarily, even if its for a mere 2 hrs. i did, but cos of other reasons, we arranged for it to be another day during the teacher's orientation course.
so the drama kept me occupied from the moment i got home, till now. this song from the show, portrays bits of my feelings. not giving up, not leaving, always here waiting. 我知道你了解我的心，我知道其实你很感谢我爱你，我知道其实你是心疼我的，但我也知道你不希望我这样。或许现在的你，宁可我不再爱你。
"no one likes a walking waterfall"
this is so true... this is prob one thing u dislike of me.
sorry i lost it today.. sorry.. these few days i duno why i m emotional too.. pls dont push me away cos of this.. i will and have been putting in a conscious effort. do u see that?
seeing u once a week makes me misses u.. seriously..
does this makes u miss me? i hope u will start to miss me.. i know ure busy... perhaps too busy to even think of me or miss me.. but if there's a moment u do... will u let me know u are missing me?
“留下来的，总是痛苦的“
我全心全意 等你的消息 總會有一天
你會相信我 我愛你"
rewatched the whole series of xian jian qi xia zhuan. its a beautiful but really sad drama. i rmbed when i first watched it years ago on tv i cried at many episodes. today, i watched. i teared. this drama, gave me the excuse to tear. feeling suffocated, but i cant let it out. i actually felt so terrible that i wanted to ask jy n wn out for a drink.. theres no way i can get drunk n numb myself thou, but perhaps meeting them can take my mind off temporarily, even if its for a mere 2 hrs. i did, but cos of other reasons, we arranged for it to be another day during the teacher's orientation course.
so the drama kept me occupied from the moment i got home, till now. this song from the show, portrays bits of my feelings. not giving up, not leaving, always here waiting. 我知道你了解我的心，我知道其实你很感谢我爱你，我知道其实你是心疼我的，但我也知道你不希望我这样。或许现在的你，宁可我不再爱你。
"no one likes a walking waterfall"
this is so true... this is prob one thing u dislike of me.
sorry i lost it today.. sorry.. these few days i duno why i m emotional too.. pls dont push me away cos of this.. i will and have been putting in a conscious effort. do u see that?
seeing u once a week makes me misses u.. seriously..
does this makes u miss me? i hope u will start to miss me.. i know ure busy... perhaps too busy to even think of me or miss me.. but if there's a moment u do... will u let me know u are missing me?
“留下来的，总是痛苦的“
我还留在原地，所以我还是痛苦着。我知道，这份痛苦，是我自己造成的。是我自己放不开。时间根本没有办法冲淡任何伤口，只要还爱你，我想我没有办法放开。等待变成一个既漫长又痛苦的煎熬。但奇怪的事，我宁愿一直痛苦下去，也不愿忘记你。期待着雨过天晴的那一天。到现在，我还是抱着很大的希望。是我蠢吗？让我这样傻下去，或许会有奇迹出现，对吧？如果，我真的一辈子都只可以这样傻下去，那就让我，一个人去承受这一切吧，让我一个人，来守护我和你之间的一切。让我留下来，你，幸福就好。
我是个爱哭鬼。但从小，我就学会如何怎么为自己擦干泪水。如果有你在身旁为我擦干泪水，甚至吻我，我会很幸福。我可以，一个人流泪，一个人擦干泪水。但我希望当我又开心的事的时候，你愿意让我和你分享快乐。我没有办法，还自己笑容。但我也没有权利，要求你还我笑容。让我，待在你生命里，不管什么位置，只要还存在着，只要我还看得到你，我会撑住的。
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Saturday, May 3, 2014 ♥
dear honey, looking at the texts u send me,.. its upsetting cos you are still cold. u answer my questions in afew words. conversation killer, are u using it on me?
but at least u are still texting me.
i will always stand up for u. try to focus on the good. probably to make myself feel better. but also because i believe in u. believe that u are trying.
but at least u are still texting me.
i will always stand up for u. try to focus on the good. probably to make myself feel better. but also because i believe in u. believe that u are trying.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Friday, May 2, 2014 ♥
“不要放弃。有时候，不是因为看到了希望所以坚持，而是因为坚持所以看到希望。”
a quote from the channel 8 9pm show from last night.. as i was watching catch up tv, this quote caught me. i hope because im holding on now, i will see the hope in the end.
u know before i knew that u went for interview only this morning, i felt really upset cos i thought u wouldnt have told me anything if i didnt ask u what u were busy with. during those times i felt so disconnected from you. i felt that i didnt know anything about whats happening in your life. i was so upset because i no longer have the rights to say "why you never tell me?" and then i really thought to myself, 现在的我，到底算什么？what am i to you? really very saddening. then this self-healing mechanism always sets in.. telling myself that hey no.. in the end u still told me what. and i shld be happy about it. when i knew u only went for it this morning, i was actually more settled. cos u still told me quite quickly. thou i duno if u would have told me if i didnt ask u.. i asked so so many questions, then u answered me.. but u didnt say anything else.. honey, sometimes, when u say u have nth to say to me.. but really all i wanted was for u to tell me about these small daily things in your life. i just really hope that u will share with me. is like, if ure going for an interview, i really hope to know to. i just wanna be kept in the loop of your life. when i share everything with u, i hope for the same too.
honey, i dont need u to need me.. i know u dont need me.. i want u to want me. because wanting me, it is a conscious desire. i just want u to want me.
u know what, today i went for a hair cut. do u still rmb that very night, i told u i think i shld get a haircut soon, and i actually planned to do it during the mar holidays. but my march holidays was so screwed up i didnt gt anything done. today, i finally went. honey, when u see me tmr, will u even take notice of it.. perhaps u will, but u prob have nth to say, u wont say anything right. u know sth, a very silly me will think, isit only if sth bad happen to me, then u will start taking notice of me.
i know all these while u wanna look for an intern. im actually happy that u managed to get an internship. really. its gonna be quite a long time.. its like 4 mths.. im sure u will be able to mix well with your colleagues. honey, i really really wonder, if they ever ask u about ur rs status, what will u say?? what will u say to these new ppl that u meet? im actually quite pessimistic, i think that u will say single. honestly this thought is enough to kill myself.. haiz.. i still cling on to that little hope that u wont say single.. u will perhaps say sth else.. even if u say complicated. say amber also ok.. i really hope u will, but what are the chances? and this is prob sth u wont tell me.. so i guess im just gonna live in my own misery.
and i also know u always wanted to work more and earn more money.. so i dont think ure doing it so that u are so busy that u will have the best excuse of not seeing me.. i hope not and i dont think it is this case. if u really were to work everyday, can i still go out with u? if u have to work everyday, how am i suppose to ask u out? cos u will be tired.. will u still make time for me? will i be part of ur plan? im afraid... that i wont be part of ur plan,... u took leave for camp.. if u eventually get a wkend job, will u take leave on ur bday? will u? will u take leave for my convo?
at least, i guess, im still the one who got to know the news of ur internship first right? well thats a huge comfort..
-----------------------------------------------
a quote from the channel 8 9pm show from last night.. as i was watching catch up tv, this quote caught me. i hope because im holding on now, i will see the hope in the end.
u know before i knew that u went for interview only this morning, i felt really upset cos i thought u wouldnt have told me anything if i didnt ask u what u were busy with. during those times i felt so disconnected from you. i felt that i didnt know anything about whats happening in your life. i was so upset because i no longer have the rights to say "why you never tell me?" and then i really thought to myself, 现在的我，到底算什么？what am i to you? really very saddening. then this self-healing mechanism always sets in.. telling myself that hey no.. in the end u still told me what. and i shld be happy about it. when i knew u only went for it this morning, i was actually more settled. cos u still told me quite quickly. thou i duno if u would have told me if i didnt ask u.. i asked so so many questions, then u answered me.. but u didnt say anything else.. honey, sometimes, when u say u have nth to say to me.. but really all i wanted was for u to tell me about these small daily things in your life. i just really hope that u will share with me. is like, if ure going for an interview, i really hope to know to. i just wanna be kept in the loop of your life. when i share everything with u, i hope for the same too.
honey, i dont need u to need me.. i know u dont need me.. i want u to want me. because wanting me, it is a conscious desire. i just want u to want me.
u know what, today i went for a hair cut. do u still rmb that very night, i told u i think i shld get a haircut soon, and i actually planned to do it during the mar holidays. but my march holidays was so screwed up i didnt gt anything done. today, i finally went. honey, when u see me tmr, will u even take notice of it.. perhaps u will, but u prob have nth to say, u wont say anything right. u know sth, a very silly me will think, isit only if sth bad happen to me, then u will start taking notice of me.
i know all these while u wanna look for an intern. im actually happy that u managed to get an internship. really. its gonna be quite a long time.. its like 4 mths.. im sure u will be able to mix well with your colleagues. honey, i really really wonder, if they ever ask u about ur rs status, what will u say?? what will u say to these new ppl that u meet? im actually quite pessimistic, i think that u will say single. honestly this thought is enough to kill myself.. haiz.. i still cling on to that little hope that u wont say single.. u will perhaps say sth else.. even if u say complicated. say amber also ok.. i really hope u will, but what are the chances? and this is prob sth u wont tell me.. so i guess im just gonna live in my own misery.
and i also know u always wanted to work more and earn more money.. so i dont think ure doing it so that u are so busy that u will have the best excuse of not seeing me.. i hope not and i dont think it is this case. if u really were to work everyday, can i still go out with u? if u have to work everyday, how am i suppose to ask u out? cos u will be tired.. will u still make time for me? will i be part of ur plan? im afraid... that i wont be part of ur plan,... u took leave for camp.. if u eventually get a wkend job, will u take leave on ur bday? will u? will u take leave for my convo?
at least, i guess, im still the one who got to know the news of ur internship first right? well thats a huge comfort..
-----------------------------------------------
[Date someone who wants to grow old with you]
You should be dating someone who respects you. If he doesn’t want to put away his phone during dates, and keeps on replying others’ messages, checking for emails (or worse, Facebook notifications), or getting distracted by his Blackberry’s flashing red light, he isn’t worth your time. In fact, date someone who sets his phone on silent, who puts his mobile face down on the table or keeps it where it belongs – in his pocket.
Date someone who will fight for you. Who gets rejected but still keeps on trying, for he knows you’re worth the risk and you’re worth the pain. Date someone who wants to wait for your parents’ permission, who opens the car, apartment, and shopping mall doors, and offers to carry your very heavy-looking shopping bags, just because he wants to.
Date someone who cares about you. Someone who drives all the way to wherever you are at the moment because it’s late and somehow, your feet are swollen. Someone who really thinks of your opinions and puts them in consideration. Date someone who still walks you home even though it will cost him more time, just because it’s the nice thing to do. Date someone who stays up late till two or three am in the morning just to call you to say goodnight, because you are on the other side of the world and time difference beats you but never kills you.
Date someone who really, really loves you. Someone who tries his best to make you happy. Someone who hugs you when you are having a bad day and cooks for you when he knows you’re tired. Someone who loves KFC night on the sofa with a good movie. Someone who buys you flowers at random occasions just to put a smile on your face. Someone who asks you to go to museums, zoos, theme parks, and exhibitions instead of going for movies or shopping for the nth time. Someone who is spontaneous and surprises you with road trips. Someone who is adventurous.
Spend time with someone who respects themselves. Someone who has a great deal of self-esteem and is mature enough to handle things that are thrown his way. Someone who is willing to lay down his pride for you, instead of defending it. Someone who is not scared of Public Display of Attention because life’s too short to care about what others think. Someone who is sincere, kind, and gentle. Someone who knows how to treat you well. Someone who sees how beautiful you are, even when you believe otherwise. Someone who doesn’t compare you to other girls.
Date someone who has the right values – who will make you a better person. Find someone who believes in you, who will support you to reaching your dreams despite things looking bleak at the moment. Someone who doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios, and someone who listens. Someone who can criticise you and praise you at the same time.
Find someone who wants to get to know your friends and who invites you to go out with his. Someone who has a good support system and great friends to fall back when all else fails. Someone who can make you laugh when you cry. Someone who understands. Someone who takes time to learn your interests and be cooperative even if he doesn’t share them. Someone who puts effort to know your family and introduces you to his.
Seek out someone who protects you, who will take care of you, and who will never leave you. Someone who is financially and emotionally stable. Someone who is committed and never has the word ‘affair’, ‘divorce’, or ‘backstreet’ in his dictionary. Someone who focuses on self-development and has the courage to pursue his dream. Someone who is willing to change. Someone who can lead you. Someone who is not afraid to let you see him cry. Someone who watches you until you fall asleep, and kisses you on the forehead. Someone who finds himself lucky to have you. Someone who believes in magic.
Life’s short, so you shouldn’t waste time dating someone who doesn’t care about you, who won’t put the time to be with you, who doesn’t respect you, who calls you names and doesn’t even care if you are sick or stranded somewhere in the middle of the night. Don’t worry about whether he is romantic or whether he loves or hates your fashion taste. They’re secondary stuffs. Date someone who wants to grow old with you. Because truth is, if you don’t grow together, you’ll grow apart.
this article, may sound all too perfect.. but do u realise that u actually fulfil quite a number of them? but yea u didnt for some, cos u still left me. still hurt me. but it doesnt matter now.. i dont need everything from u.. the only thing i want is, i want u to grow old with me.. thats enough.
-----------------------------
u know sth, i miss those times when u would get jealous. and i regretted not doing what u wanted. because when u get jealous, it means i meant alot to u.. and now its too late.. but i hope that it wont be too late that there is no turning back. i hope that one day u will be jealous again.. :'(
-----------------------------
honey, i really wanna know what i am to you now.. :(
u ever said this, even if we arent tog, maybe we could be the best of friends. but im really sorry honey, i really dont know how can i be your best friend only and not a best friend cum life partner. in my heart, you are always my number 1 choice of a life partner.
u know sth, i miss those times when u would get jealous. and i regretted not doing what u wanted. because when u get jealous, it means i meant alot to u.. and now its too late.. but i hope that it wont be too late that there is no turning back. i hope that one day u will be jealous again.. :'(
-----------------------------
honey, i really wanna know what i am to you now.. :(
u ever said this, even if we arent tog, maybe we could be the best of friends. but im really sorry honey, i really dont know how can i be your best friend only and not a best friend cum life partner. in my heart, you are always my number 1 choice of a life partner.
u will probably agree to this "some things just happen, doesnt need a reason"
honey, dont give up trying. dont give up trying when u see how hard im trying. thank you.
honey, dont give up trying. dont give up trying when u see how hard im trying. thank you.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
am i the last priority now? ur words make it sound like it is. but thats not what u mean right?
u know what, you always say meaner things, as compared to your actions.
ur words hurt me like crazy.. but your eventual actions usually touches me.
and i shld be glad it is this way, the eventual actions are more impt than words ya.
i trust u. trusting u this much to keep that believe that u what u say have some truth, but your actions are more representative.
even thou u hurt me with ur words, comfort me with ur actions honey.
u know what, you always say meaner things, as compared to your actions.
ur words hurt me like crazy.. but your eventual actions usually touches me.
and i shld be glad it is this way, the eventual actions are more impt than words ya.
i trust u. trusting u this much to keep that believe that u what u say have some truth, but your actions are more representative.
even thou u hurt me with ur words, comfort me with ur actions honey.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
that anxiety before meeting them got better when i meet them... they are still good friends that im comfortable with.. abit guilty that i arent sharing my pain with them.. but oh well.. guess im not ready.. guess i never wanna be ready.. cos im still hoping that even in the event that i share, i can tell them not to worry got everything is fine already.. let that day come please..
and so when i was otw home, thats when i checked my phone for ur text. and i was rather upset over that. your cold texts makes me sad. u asking me to go shop when i have the time makes me sad. seems like u just want me to go settle this myself. and u dont wish to have anything to do with it. sad but still thickskin ask u. haiz.. ur coldness makes me really upset. i can tell u all about what i feel about posting.. and u wont have any comments on it.. sometimes it makes me feel that u just hear hear only.. u hear without feeling anything.. it seems like u arent bothered about anything to do with me. it seems like u arent concern about me anymore... the way u communicate with me.. or rather the way u respond to me cos sometimes it really feels that u arent communicating with me.. our communication feels like its just one way from me to u. its really very upsetting. why isit that u have nothing to say to me.. why isit that even when i tell u my stuff u dont feel or have anything to say. why isit that whatever happens in my life now seems like its none of your business and that u dont wish to care at all? it really breaks my heart with all these feelings. its like you are becoming my 最熟悉的陌生人. and i really dont want it. the person who knows me best, the person whom i trust and love so much, doesnt even have anything to say to me.. doesnt even wanna say much to me.. sometimes i feel so out of ur life now.. u know that feeling is really terrible.. sometimes i dont even know if im still part of u.. not that u dont love me, not that u dont think of me.. just that, maybe u just dont want me to be involve in ur life anymore. if u had a choice, u would rather not text me, not see me, and just get me out of ur sight. this whole idea just tear me apart like crazy. cos honestly, i no longer feel needed by u anymore.. i no longer feel wanted by u anymore.. sometimes i feel that im just extra. i feel that im no longer important. i feel that, i just a pathetic person clinging on to u when u dont even want me. sometimes i still feel abandon u know.. i mean it is not the right word cos u didnt abandon me and ure still here but cant help but feel not wanted. and it hurts so so much..
despite all these, i have to remind myself that u still meet me. u still allow me to hug u. u still say good morning/afternoon/night to me. you still show that u care for me. or even at times when u dont i know u actually do... and the probably one reason why i can still endure all these pain is because i know u still love me and care for me.
and so, even if it hurts so much. even if my life is in a entire mess now cos of u. even though loving you has become such a painful thing. i still will continue loving you, still will continue trying to make things work. i will keep that hope. i will endure all these pain, as long as ure still by my side.
this is probably the limit to the pain i can endure. dont push me any further.
is this the limit for u? is this amount of care for me from u the limit u can go?
tonight, is probably one emo night. tmr morning is prob a heavy headed one cos im already feeling it now. with more to come regularly. but its something i wont ever get used to. honey, hope u are really well. hope that despite me this pest clinging on to u, u are still doing well. yes.. sometimes i really think im just like a pest now. i dont think u will think of me this way. and i hope im right. honey, i know i cant heal u. i hope somehow u will be healed. and then, u can come and heal me. and u can heal me, just simply by being with me. u can heal me, simply by giving me a loving smile and hug. the best present u can ever give me, is yourself.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` Thursday, May 1, 2014 ♥
Can't believe, I'm actually afraid to meet my own friends now. :(
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
` ♥
"In your lifetime you will find and meet one person who will love you more than anybody you have ever known and will know. They will love you with every bit of energy and soul. They will sacrifice, surrender and give so much that it scares you. Someday you’ll know who that is. Sometimes people realize who it was."
I know who that is... that is you.. im certain.
i hope you know that it is me for you too.
i dont want to be only your past tense. I want to be your past, present and future tense.
I know who that is... that is you.. im certain.
i hope you know that it is me for you too.
i dont want to be only your past tense. I want to be your past, present and future tense.
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
