havent been writing down much the past wk.. because i was busy with event, post-event and heading out.. because i chose to immerse myself in dramas.. because i wanted to cut down on writing even thou i wanted to for a number of times. and so now, shall be a time i blabber out whatever i feel and still rmb for the past wk..
firstly, i had a life without u in the picture. i can hang out with other friends. i can laugh heartily even. in this way, im not entirely dependent on u right....
but, i still thought of u every single day. i didnt have to see u, but i somehow still wanted to feel your presence, and texts was it. honey, if u would one day realise, u make me a stronger person. u make me a better person.
i can hang out with my friends to temporarily forget about us. but i cant do it all the time. somehow or rather, stayin at home was what i needed too.. to just simply rest. but when im at home, im always reminded of us.
i have no idea why, but i was genuinely happy when u came down to my event.. i really was.. it was just because u came, took pictures with me at the photobooth.. u came and spend time with me and just me, walking ard the carnival. because while playing the bow and arrow game, u let out a little smile at me. maybe u might not even rmb or notice.. but u probably cant even imagine how much it made me smile inside. and so, i will truly happy that day.. even thou i didnt slp for many hours.
and like i mentioned to u, my bro is having difficulty coping with studies and so needs tuition. my mum is having difficulty coping with the tuition fees and so can only provide 1 subject and requested for me to give more when i receive my pay... but my mum told me this, she cant tell me how much more because it depends on how much i will be receiving and she also know that i need to save up for my future too.. at that moment, a part of me just sank.. a part of me was like.. whats my future gonna be... what am i saving up for eventually? i know what my mum is referring to. and that is hurting. honestly, my mum is having enough troubles with all the financial issues.. and on top on that the forever scarred emotional issues. there is really no way i m gonna let them know of my state.. and let them worry about me. they all know that im a very sentimental person and that i put in my all. if they know of it that will surely know that im hurt real badly. i cant face them. in this way im a weakling.. and in this circumstance, i need u beside me.
and seriously, the football show is really one that always make me tear when its airing the part about the husband and wife separation with the kids. never ever fail. haiz. somehow i think old woulds are being ripped open again when new wounds are inflicted upon.
not sure if i said this before, but last wk, i think was last wk... when i went to sing k one night with last yr proggies.. some of the classic songs chosen are a few really nice but also really emo songs. i sang till i was tearing up inside.. counting on 3 months.. wound still as open. hurt still as deep. just, a better cover at times.
honey, just a few days ago, i thought to myself.. yea i actually did amidst all the happenings that filled my day.. i really think that other than u, i cant bring myself to be with any other guy.. i really cant.. i love u more than i ever could imagined. never thought that i could fall so deep. even though i know that i am someone who needs a companion in life.. i still cant bring myself to accept another person. even though it hurts really bad.. even though i know if eventually u still decides not to accept me, this hurt will actually follow me for life. i still dont regret falling for u. because, u left me the best memories i could ever ask for. because, i know for sure, i was treasured, i was loved dearly.. well for now still being loved i supposed, just in a different way now.. but ya.. because of all these precious memories u have given me, i dont regret.. in fact, loving u, is the most blissful thing ever. but having said all these, i still wanna have a child u know.. ofcos the ideal situation is with u.. but in the event that really no.. if 10 yrs down the road, u have ur own family. and im still alone.. maybe i would consider having a test-tube baby of my own instead. its a very wild thought. but oh well. still praying really really hard that 10 years later, i will be happily calling u honey.
no idea why but just a few days ago, i also randomly thought of sth u mentioned to me. u just cant bring urself to be back right now because partly u are afraid u will do the wrong thing in the future if u cant stand me or rather is unhappy with me... actually that was really v honest of u.. but at the same time that is probably one of the most hurtful thing to me too. really.. saying that u may.. or u are unsure that there is actually this possibility that u will do such a thing to me is really too much to bear.. but somehow, a part of me thinks that maybe the reason why u are doing this is because right now u still truly loves me and wants to protect me. u dont want me to go through that sort of hurt, even thou the chances are slim, u refuse to take that chance. i dont know if this is what u think but thats u to me. to me, this is u. someone who will protect me. whether or not this is the truth, thats what im gonna think it is. comfort within the hurt.
and just today.. just today u spent the whole day with me.. it has been such a long time since we spent a whole day out. didnt expect it to end so late but ya.. super appreciative of u.
but honey u know what. actually there are many times today, which the past me, would have broken down alr. some things u say still hurts me. some of ur behaviors still hurts. but i have learnt to focus on the good rather than the bad. not smiling to me, responds like "i dont know" "anything" "if you want than do lo", like sometimes its as thou as u really arent bothered anymore.. it sounds like that.. and ya it hurts. while we were playing, u prob didnt want to play with me? hardly much talks.. u didnt really wanna take pictures with me today too. u seem to be quite busy on your phone too, and i dont know if im oversensitive but u seem to not want me to know what ure doing on ur phone too. hmm i still choose to believe its more of work related or things like that and not just a random chit chat. i can only choose to believe so cos if its some random chitchat that u are happier off with then spending time with me, i think its gonna hurt me alot. even at this hour, i know ure awake because ure online. my thoughts can run wild, but i need to keep it within. cant ask u to feel secured, so i have to work on myself. i trust u. trust that now im still the only one that occupies your heart. and i even trust that if u have the slightest bit of wavering to being open to someone else, u will really think many times back and forth because hurting me further is prob the last thing u wanna do.. and before that even happens, u will let me know, and give me the best comfort u can ever give before leaving me for good. and to have this freaking level of trust in u.. i just exposed myself to greater hurt if u fail me. but this is trust. in any case, whenever im with u, i put my phone away because to me whats impt is spending time with u, phone can wait. to u now, im not sure how much u practice it alr.. im sure u still do but prob just not as much? i can pick up many things that can cause me to tear.. but i didnt. because i reminded myself.. hey, ure right there beside me for the entire day! what more am i asking for? when i asked to go to trick eye museum u said ure free! i asked for movie u didnt reject. when i asked u for opinions while shopping thou u didnt always give much but u still did at crucial ones. when i was tryin on shoes u would offer to carry my bag for me. at food republic i didnt have to say what i wanted to eat u would know. u accompanied me to everything today. u smiled when we took pictures at the museum. u even grabbed my hand while we were posing at the huge water creature. u send me to sengkang and allowed me to hug and hold u for a little while. u simply were there for me when i needed u. u simply accompanied me when i wanted to have someone to go shopping with, go movie with, and go museum with. u knew i wanted to go museum with u cos i always enjoyed gg to places of attractions with u. because u were right beside me. even without words, just ur presence, is my blessings that im earning. honestly, i think u know urself of all these hurtful things ure doing to me. and all these little things that comforts me. all in all, despite the hurt, i still think u r trying ur v best to treat me well. despite all the hurt, i can still feel love.
it may seem absurd. but then i still feel the love from u. i dont know how. but i just do. and i guess, this invisible, unexplainable feel, is a very very strong power that keeps me going now.
no idea how u feel now.. but i only hope that u will feel better.
i only hope my love for u is gonna be a blessing to u too.. and not pressure.
honey, i will try my best to remain positive. i really dont need much. but please continue to drop little little signs, for they will comfort me in the greatest way ever.
really, a reply from u.. makes me happy and settles me. sometimes when u say good night and good morning im happy already.. sometimes u type a little longer im happy.. sometimes u reply a little faster im happy. sometimes u tell me a little something im happy. honey, i think one phrase that i miss is u asking me what im doing. im thankful that u still texts me every single day without fail. really. im thankful that im still prob the only one u text, hopefully. thou i know on whatsapp sure have others, well its a norm that u reply whatsapp faster than replyin me anw. but hopefully texts are still exclusive to me. just like daily good mornings and good nights. just like many many other things. like having the same passcode. like using the same old keychain. all these things that i duno if u thought of much. but all these little things, give me enormous strength.
i miss u loads.. and be happy my dearest honey..
It's always ♀ ♡ ♂ Never ♂ ♡ ♀; if only...
