is this a cycle? after 2 wks or so it seems like i will lose control..

one more wk to event.. i lost drive in this to be honest.. or did i just lose drive in almost everything?
even thou i said keeping myself busy didnt do me any good last wk.. cos at the end of the day the contrast is too big and after doing that for 4 days i ended up crumbling again.. having said that, im also very afraid that after the event when i no longer have sth to do, it will also be bad for me.. sighs.. nth is going well.. nth i can do to make myself feel better..

woke up today with puffy eyes.. even though i master the skill of crying to myself without making a noise in the dark at night.. i really just cried myself to slp, hugging snoopy.. and woke up still hugging snoopy.. crying without making noise, crying till my nose is block, ear block, head splits.. sounds bad isnt it... time to time this still happens.. puffy eyes are bad.. cos i cant hide them.. i hate it when my ahma suspect things.. this morning seeing those eyes she suspects.. even ask me if i quarrelled with you.. cannot cannot... i really cannot let them know... bcos i dont want to let them know i can hold on like this.. if they alr know i know its gonna be really vvv hard for me to hold on. the moment they ask sth i think i will just break out in tears.

even thou i know im self-deceiving, its all a lie.. but i still do it. thats how pathetic i am.

u know the hurt is not just hurting so bad cos its a simple case.. its hurting so badly cos hurting the person u least wanna hurt is killing us... what hurts the most is hurting the one u love the most..  u tell me not to say sorry to u.. i really hope u can not say sorry to me too. im apologetic to u cos i feel that in a way i seem to be hurting u... and im feeling real bad about it.. it adds on to my already broken heart.. i guess this is how u feel too? your coldness to me hurts u just as much as u hurt me right... i really wanna comfort u.. but im so broken cos u no longer feel comforted by me..

u dont wanna promise me anything.. but it hurts to know that u cant even say that u will try to treat me a little nicer.. im so afraid that u have given up on tryin even. but yea, my self protecting mechanism is telling myself that no u just dont wanna say anything to give me any hope.. but in actual fact u didnt give me up.. u are still here, pei-ing me to do alot of things that u may not wish to. allowing me to hug u everytime we meet.. all these things, is ur way of giving me that little comfort, for all the hurt im enduring.

there is still so many things i wanna do with u.. there is so many many things that i dont really dare to ask u... i really hope one day, one day u will ask me out for a date. when i see other ppl holding hands, how i wish u will one day hold my hand once again.. it may seems that im being v bitter.. but seeing others in happiness, actually makes me sad..

u mention i shld stop thinking of being back with u at this moment.. but honey.. i have never accepted not being with u.. like i said, many things that im doing now, u know very well how i feel.. u know very well that i still treat u as the person i love. no matter how cold u are to me.. i wont give u up.

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