it's a lie.. a web said that if u wanna cry, pinch the flesh btw your index finger and your thumb, it will stop u from tearing.. i pinched it hard, even using my fingernails, till its all red, but it didnt stop me from crying.. this is prob how ppl end up with self-mutilation. cos physical pain is no longer comparable to the pain inside..

i spoke with calmness.. as far as i could. i knew that if im in public with many ppl around, i cannot cry.. i did it today. will u be a little appreciative of this? you probably have no idea how much it hurt me when u had such a big reaction of ducking away when i gently held your arm for a brief moment. that instant reaction of yours broke me terribly just now. i nearly had to run to the toilet to hide my tears from u but i tried so hard to swallow it down.

im thankful that u still accompanied me to shop. for dinner.. for spending that 4hrs with me today. even thou this 4hrs u are like that. u were not talking to me, u were not happy, u were more like following me, walking a step behind me than walking by my side.. u were prob busy with igc? but i guess what u talk to ur friends is now way more than what u speak to me.

do u know how much i miss ur smile?
do u know that i try to be as normal as i can, and smile at u, hoping that i can see a smile too?
do u know that i like to take picture with u not just to capture down moments i have with u now, but also just to see a little smile on u?

just now when i ask u what do u treat me as.. im actually i little glad that u cant say that its just friends like this.. but i know, im no longer ur gf.. no matter how much i cant accept this. even if i treat u like a bf...

i know u dont need to tell me where u go and what ure doing.. but im really sadden that u dont wanna say.. or just dont feel like.. even when i ask u, u are reluctant to tell me... it hurts even more when u say tell me for what.. sharing bits and pieces of ur life, is no longer what u will do to me.

when u say its just like ur father.. its scary.. becos it means to say it can last for a long long time. but it also means to say, actually im still very impt to u..

when u say u dont feel happier when u dont see me.. im comforted to a certain extent.. i duno isit becos when u dont see me u arent happy cos u will miss me? or isit bcos u know that when u dont see me it just means to say im hurting alone and so u arent happy.. maybe to u, it doesnt matter. but to me, it does.

honey, its gg to be 3 months already... our hurt is not lessening at all.

when u ask me not to cry just now, 你是在心疼我吗？
do u know that, when i see u being so upset, i rather i bear with all this pain alone now. even thou i really dont know how i am going to handle this. i really cant let go of this rs.. i know im trapping myself, im sorry im trapping u.. but my heart just cant do it.. yet i know i cant be selfish to u.
u ask me to just go to work.. do u know that bcos of this, work has becoming just a motion and meaningless.. im doing for the sake of doing.. im actually just waiting for the bond to end. i used to look forward to graduation. but now..

为什么，你可以如此伤害一个你爱的人，伤害你自己？
为什么，虽然你不想这样，但你就是做不到？

好无奈
好痛
你对我的冷，是刺进心里的。但我就是没有办法怪你，因为我知道你 跟我一样痛。只是你比我坚强。

i probably have never cried as much as i did in my life as compared to these 3 months. i probably did not feel this continuous sadness for so long. u think that its gonna last for min this year.. actually i think its gonna be longer than that.. so perhaps, while many ppl out there is gg to enjoy their prime 20s. im just gonna be living in my own misery.
joey you are just a useless girl. a pathetic one.. you dont deserve to even be loved. you are such a weakling you deserve to just live in misery alone.

after saying all these, unless u heartlessly reject meetin me.. or u heartlessly just tell me that yes u rather not meet me anymore. i think i will still  be unable to resist wanting to meet u..
but i really really hope that u can just be a little nicer to me.. sorry.. sorry..

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