yesterday was a bad day because I woke up v late. I was nearly too late for sch even. Maybe cause I didn't start it right n my mood gt affected. So the remaining time in sch was just terrible. It's ok when I interact with ppl. But going through so cyber wellness of fake identity makes me think.. am i being really fake too? even though i post things which was what i really feel.. but i know im just deceiving myself.. i get such fake comfort.. which may sometimes make u uncomfortable.. which also makes myself sad... but actually i just, i really just wanna treasure all the times i have with u.. because i dont know what our future will be.. i wanna have as many pictures i can to fall back on if one day u decides  to go off totally. i wanna keep your smile and our memories.. but then yea, the lesson got me triggered. But with students, ofcos I'm strong. But the shocking thing was back in the staff room at my desk, the tears actually fell. Thankfully, well hidden area I have. I knew I had to quickly finish up what i need and get out of school.. and so i left sch once im done.. brought work back to do today instead.. and then i got out of school, and walked to the busstop which is usually the one whr i had to change and take 27. so that was my walking therapy.. walked slowly.. let the tears flow like they want to. and after tearing.. i felt abit better..  didnt had the mood to do anything. so i tried to focus on sth.. i baked. i guess its sth good then to think right. but yea.. ytd was feeling so heavy hearted and emo. the down times again.

but i had to say, i was really really glad to spend your bday with u.. even thou u still didnt smile at me.. actually simply this fact will drive tears out of me already.. i think u can smile at any stranger but not at me. breaks me totally.. but we took pictures.. to me, these pictures meant alot.. maybe u dont smile at me, but through these pictures, at least i get to see your smile.. hopefully, they are genuine smiles.. at the movies, even thou it was for a short while, lying on ur shoulder feels so good. how u would help me look for a top was really nice too... just that im a super failure.. i still end up crying that day.. even thou i said i wont... but im so thankful for you.. for the hug.. for the kiss. it was really sth that comforts me alot.. even thou i teared non stop.

its really hard for me to not want to know about your life.. thou im in no position.. but yes i think im jealous.. im jealous that others can make u happy and smile... im jealous that u will publically appreciate others but not me (ok actually not so much on this because i know very well u still appreciate me)... but when u say if i see your msg now i will surely be upset.. i.. on one hand i was kinda expecting it.. i was kinda expecting that u will be v nice and all.. u will be teasing your other friends like u once did to me.. i will be really really upset because i dont receive such treatments.. and that u are actually so cold towards me.. but maybe not showing me.. is because u somehow dont want me to be upset.. maybe, its your way of caring and protecting me.. maybe im thinking too much.. but i do need sth to help me manage.. i guess i dont need u to treat me the best... i just need u to love me and not hurt me like this. but now, i need u to be happy.. maybe when ure happy, u will then treat me better too.

today teacher's investiture.. not much feel for it.. but i really hope that on 4 aug.. u will come down cos u really wanna come down and not cos i asked u to. i hope u really wanna take a photo with me.. i hope u really wanna be there with me.

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