Dear honey, i miss you..
i miss how you dote on me.
i miss how you tease me.
i miss how u will hug me and kiss me.
i miss how u will get jealous.
i miss how u will be worried if i have eaten, if im cold, if im safely home.
i miss how u will heartache cos u see me cry, and hug me to tell me everything will be fine.
i miss how i can make u laugh uncontrollably.
i miss how i can touched your heart and make u feel loved.
i miss how i feel part of your family.
i miss how i can freely hold your hand.
i miss how i can be yours, and u be mine.
i miss you.

but do u miss me at all...? or u rather have nth to do with me now..?

its all my fault.. i hurt u before, i am not a good gf. i failed you, i failed myself..
will my chance come back again? will i be able to make u happy again?

honey, u said before, its not just me who lost u, u lost me too. but honey, its just that, it seems like losing me is not such a big deal to u afterall.

honey, u are making a deliberate choice to reply me less, being cold to me, and giving up on me. in a way, it is a conscious choice right? will u then make a choice, and let me into your heart once again..?

why am i so emo? backing up messages from the past, the good and the bad, all makes me hurt so so much. and i only saw afew texts. i didnt even go into it.. i miss the good times. and looking at the bad times, just make me feel worse seeing how terrible i have been. honey, dont leave me. i wont say i love u more, i wont say i put in more effort than u did in our r/s. but honey, i really put in my heart and soul to it. im very serious about it. i really gave my everything... but now, my concerns, have become worthless to u.. my smiles or tears doesnt affect u much anymore.

i know, what deep shit i got into. how deep i sunk in. and how thats the end of me in this black hole, if u are not gg to step in with me. even if life goes on, happiness will nv be in my dictionary again. 5 months ago, u rip that away from me. and till now, im still waiting for u to put it back one day.

honey, i really miss you. and i yearn for the day, u will hug me once more.

friday. aad.. i wondered if u would have remember to come and look for me before u left? would u even be bothered when i leave, when i came. would u even come up to me to say hi..? honey, i kno wu care for me.. but sometimes, ur coldness is really too much.. maybe u dont even realise how cold u are to me...

happy 20th honey... once again..

20th, a day that will be held dearly... and for now, sometimes an emotional day..

i know u avoided my questions.. these 2 days the late msges.. hmm i shall not ask..

i was busy in sch.. i decided i will wait for ur reply.. unless u dont even when i leave sch then i will text u again.. cos i knew i was leaving late.. and so i only saw ur reply when i left.. i was.. kinda hurt cos from the way u said it.. it meant that u will most likely reject me for whatever i propose.. maybe, just maybe, once in awhile when u jut suddenly  feel for me.. feel that perhaps this girl here is worth to spend alittle more time and provide some comfort.. maybe u might agree.. but other than that, u said i will be disappointed.. honey, no matter what, it hurts.

why? why cant u be happy with me? why can't i make u happy? why isit that it is so difficult to smile at me? why isit that u cant even treat me like how u treat ur friends and be happy and tease me and be comfortable with me? why isit that u cant even talk properly to me? why isit that u have to break my heart this way? why why why? i know there is no way i can get an answer.. i dont know if what i need is really the answer.. but i cannot understand how can u just change like that? i dont know why u can bear to hurt me this way? i dont know why despite all, u chose to give up on our r/s, u chose to hurt me, u chose a life without me? there's just so many things i 'hate' about this entire episode..

but yet, i cant hate u.. i dont blame u, yet i still only love u. u make me hurt so much now, i know if i didnt start with u i wont be hurting now like this.. but yet i dont regret it cos those memories meant so much to me. honey, u can never feel this pain.. even if u understand it. u broke my heart.. and only u can mend it.. u broke your promise to me.. only u can make me regain trust in promises..

i know u dont want to give me false hopes.. but really, sometimes, just be a little nicer to me, just a little smile, a small action, a little hug, an invitation for a meal, sharing with me just a little bit more of yourself.. showing me that in your heart i still meant sth to u.. can u imagine how much that will make me happier? do u know how that will stop my tears from flowing? yes i believe i trust, i put faith in us to give me strength to move on.. but time and again i do get tired. i get burned out.. i get drained from all these emotional torture.. i know u are strong.. i know u are ok.. i know u can lead on a good life without me.. i know up till this point, u stand firm in your believe that u made the right decision and that u have no regrets.. but honey, take pity on me.. if u still feel sth for me.. show a little.. i would appreciate it alot.. alot.. i wont expect this often.. normally, whatever that u do im appreciative.. all concerns i still feel it.. i know u wont leave me in the lurch.. thank you.. just let me.. continue loving u.. please dont take away this from me.. dont reject my concerns for u..

time to stop. 20th. an emo day. 20th. will u once again become a happy day..?

i admit i was a little disappointed when u reject my spooktacular request... well, as i said, i kinda expected that... and i can understand more.. 

honey, i thank you for ytd.. for once again taking pictures with me and for being there to accompany me throughout the day..

although i was really hoping that u would say yes to go spooktacular with me.. but then when u first rejected i was not that surprised too. im only going to ask u once more next mth.. if u still reject me again, then i wont force u anymore.. but then no matter how i try to convince myself, i know its cos u dont want to go with me..

honey, actually its hurts me alot when i see how u lit up and smile and be happy around your friends.. but with me u cant.. really the pain, is beyond bearable. how u can easily speak to them.. tease them. but to me.. none at all.. i miss u.. so much..

i was puzzled.. when i asked u if u helped out or went to the booths during cca fair u said no.. but then i realised that actually u did.. why do u have to keep it from me? honey, im not here to stop u from doing anything.. im not here to impede your future.. im not here to ruin your life.. but why is it that your protective mechanism is so high towards me now..? honey, do u still trust me? or you can no longer entrust your heart with me so u are forcefully taking it back now..? i have long entrusted my heart to u.. and now take u wanna throw it back to me, i cant catch it back, and it will just be thrown away, right to the ground, in front of your eyes and mine..

no matter what, even as months pass... xie xie ni, thank you for not abandoning me. at least, i know if anything happen, if i need u by me, i trust that u will still be by my side..

every little thing reminds me of u.. really.. why do u say this? i was researching on a picture of venice for my geog lesson.. and instantly i thought of u.. i thought of what i wrote as a caption in my video to you earlier this year... i wonder if it will ever come true?
a side thought, will u always rmb that video..? will u ever watch that video again? will u feel touched once again..? i kinda hope, that u will always remember, i once did that, esp the last part for u..

放手表示爱的更深吗？
请相信，不放弃，不代表爱的不深，其实，同样的，很深。

as i watched my mentor conduct a lesson on resilience today.. i thought to myself.. in what capacity do i even have to teach the kids about resilience, when i myself am not that resilient to begin with.. when that occurred to me.. i felt useless.

and the lesson proceed on by asking the students to believe in themselves.. quoting "its all in the mind".. put in effort and make a difference, dont let the negative thought become a fact by just not doing anything about it..
really, how many times did i tell myself this. believe.. believe if i hold on and put in effort, my efforts will not be in vain. pls dont make me lose faith in all that i believe in at the end of the day.. for now, believe and work towards the future i want.

u know sth, im touched when i saw u in white and pink that day.. even thou u said u dont have but u tried to 配合 me and wear ndp colours. this small little thing, 我都看在眼里... :)

u are really nice to me despite hurting me.

but honey, maybe i will never know, and u will never ever wanna tell me.. but sometimes i wonder, when i see u online over whatsapp, are u really enjoying urself talking to ppl..? even thou i dont go and click on ur name all the time, but whenever the duration of ur reply gets longer, especially late in the night, sometimes i just click.. and almost without fail, u will be online.. and thoughts will invade me bcos i cannot ask u, bcos u wouldnt be willing to share with me.. i just cannot ask u anymore bcos u will only feel that there is no need for me to know.. and dislike me further.. bcos im envious.. bcos u may be chatting with someone.. u may be teasing someone.. u may be sharing alot more about ur life, your joy, your sianness, your sorrows with anyone else but me.. bcos i wonder when will u ever be able to dote on me and tease me again. this kind of envious, if filled with so much pain.. maybe, u wont understand how that feels.. u wont understand how pain it is for me to know u cannot be like this to me.. i know u feel guilty and bad.. u feel hurt when u hurt me.. its hard for me to feel how u feel with all that guilt when u dont want to be like that yet u are.. but similarly, u wont know exactly how i feel, to know all these of u.. sometimes what it feels now is, seeing u go further and further away from me.. 眼睁睁看着你，越来越远，我什么都做不了。这种痛，真的很痛。

i used to think that i will never be replaced. but now, i have no idea, am fearful that one day, i wont mean anything to u anymore. in your text that night, even thou u said u dont know if that day will come, but when u added in, if it will then it will.. my heart shattered.. maybe the only comfort is, maybe the day wont come.. at least for now, it hasnt. but the possibility that even u yourself is unsure of.. hurts a hell lot.

honey, no matter what happens, i know i will still choose to trust u..
but no matter what happens, i know, i wont be able to trust anyone else already..
i realised, i have no immunity against broken promises.

still counting my blessings, for u at least wont disappear totally. at least, u still hurt when u hurt me.. at least, i still mean sth.. for now.. at least i know that, through your own ways, u still care for me.

today i was quite emo.. or sian.. so i didnt want to do anything.. i just laid in bed for the whole day.. so much so that i literally collapsed in the toilet.. not just vision darken, i couldnt stand, i fell to the ground, and couldnt get up for awhile, almost in a half conscious state. it was scary. i wished u were right by me...

i thought and wanted to put in effort to break out of our vicious cycle. i wanna do sth to make a difference. i wanna give u more time alone than what im giving now. every wkend i thought meeting for a shorter time period means im putting in effort. but its not enough for u.. now i think of meeting you alternate wkends so maybe just meet u twice a month. but im not getting any respond from u... isit still insufficient? i really really wanna do things for u. i wanna make u feel better so that u will see that im worth coming back for. i wanna show u that im willing to sacrifice for your sake. even if it means that it will cause me to feel really scared, feel lost. but if all these pain can be exchange with a warm hug from u at the end of the day. its gonna be all worth it..  but when u dont respond, i duno if what im doing is enough. i know actions speak louder than words so im gonna to make sure i do the alternative wk thing as far as i can for this coming term. i duno if i will see any results at all but im trying really hard. please dont give up on me. please put in effort and hold on together with me.

today at piano lesson. a new song im suppose to learn is 'if we hold on together'. the instrumental was enough to bring tears to my eyes. while the teacher was playing i just felt really sad that i was fighting my tears back. honey, really, if we hold on together.. if only u are willing to hold on together with me...

i wanted to blog before i met u, but i got lazy.

i wanted to pen down my happiness on my convo day. i wanted to keep that night of memory really close to heart because i dont know when will i get the chance to experience such happiness again. u have no idea how happy i was that day.

even thou i knew u were coming.. but i was overjoyed to know that u actually took time off so that u would make it on time for me. i really thought that u would just come over after work and not take time off specially for me. i was really happy to see u.. what added on was that u came with a bouquet of roses. do u know that the bouquet of roses from vday is still on my cupboard visible to me everyday.. even thou its high time to keep it in the box but i didnt do so cos i was thinking that it could be the last bouquet i will ever receive from u. if i keep it there wont be a next one.. so i m really happy for the bouquet, u make me happy like noone else can ever do. n most importantly, u took many pictures with me. and when u take the picture u did slightly put your hand at my back or waist. u nv know how much that slight touch made my smile. the jump shot, the heart shape jump shot all became my most precious memory.  i know that u did all these because it was my convo, it was a special once in a life-time day to me and so u just didnt want to disappoint me. i know it doesnt show anything. it doesnt mean anything. but still, every moment spent with u is a v precious moment i need to keep it in my heart. i know i need to collect more of such pictures and memories so that if one day u are no longer able to be by my side, these pictures will not leave me... even if it means im living in the past. but i really dont know how not to. oh and when i realised u actually allowed the pictures on your timeline i was really over the moon. i knew it when i saw ppl not my friends liking the photo. all the while i know u hide our pictures. i was abit sad but then i kinda accepted that cos i thought u allowing me to post is already a very big give in on your part. and so i was really happy when i allowed it.. even thou i think u prob dont feel much towards it. or even maybe think its not appropriate. but thank you.

im always thinking alot.. like u said.. but then i also duno how to stop being overly sensitive towards your. i dont know how can i stop thinking about whether u are happily talking to others or not. i dont know how to control my feelings and not get jealous.

i duno if u will think if i really love u so i cant let u go, or isit caused im too used to u and im afraid of being alone so i cant let u go. perhaps, if im willing to, i will be able to find someone else who will wanna date me. that will make me not alone anymore. but i duno why i dont want. even thou i have to admit that i dont like to be alone at time. there are some times when i really do need some company. but despite this, i dont want to have another guy into my life. no matter how good he is or how hard he tries, if i dont want then there is no use. which is indeed the case now. so do i really love u this much? i guess its hard to measure love and i cant use anything to say i do. but then, i can confidently say, i really love u more as the years went by. how much?theres no quantifier to it ba..

u know when we watched the movie just now.. its supposed to be horror or thriller.. and yes i really jumped quite abit too cos i didnt have your arms and warmth.. but thats not the point. the point is the movie made me tear. theres a sudden sadness when i saw the pilot having an affair because i rmb that u said if u forcefully be with me, u are afraid u will end up having an affair.. yes.. this is how much your words have hurt me.. its almost ingrained in me. and when i saw the couple acting like a couple when they are not. it seems like its us.. or rather me. and then my heart broke too when i saw them.. but in the face of life and death, it seems like they still loved each other.. for us, isit the same? if u knew that i will be gone soon, will things be different? and the part where the girl said before dying she thought of her first boyfriend.. well, that hurt me too.. i know i will think of u.. but thats all i can do.

i dont know why, but after all these while, my hurt is like never healing. never.
and honestly, just like u, after all these while, u still cant talk to me. your feeling towards me is like drained more than anything else. how much that hurt. and keeps hurting. i know the worst is not this. i just hope that the worst hurt will never come. maybe one day i will get used to such hurts like now. but please dont let me experience the worst hurt that i dont know if i can bear.

thank you for not disappearing. but no matter how much time has passed, there is no way im gonna be able to accept the fact that u chose to hurt me, even if u hurt yourself at the same time.

love is not a feeling, it is a choice. - i think this is a true statement when it comes to long lasting love. it is a choice. im still waiting to be your choice again. even if its a futile wait. it beats having no hope at all.

even thou i must say u are already being very nice, being the least heartless u can be. i know, i dint love the wrong person despite hurting now. but still, sometimes your words can stab me, really deep and hard.

if tmr was the end of the world, will u hold me in your arms again, and tell me u wont leave me?

if i can ever dedicate a song with a msg to u again, i would write just what u wrote to me before at the musical fountain. dont leave me.

sorry. memories like this, they will stay with me forever. and because of all these memories. i know i wont be able to stop loving u.

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