as i watched my mentor conduct a lesson on resilience today.. i thought to myself.. in what capacity do i even have to teach the kids about resilience, when i myself am not that resilient to begin with.. when that occurred to me.. i felt useless.

and the lesson proceed on by asking the students to believe in themselves.. quoting "its all in the mind".. put in effort and make a difference, dont let the negative thought become a fact by just not doing anything about it..
really, how many times did i tell myself this. believe.. believe if i hold on and put in effort, my efforts will not be in vain. pls dont make me lose faith in all that i believe in at the end of the day.. for now, believe and work towards the future i want.

u know sth, im touched when i saw u in white and pink that day.. even thou u said u dont have but u tried to 配合 me and wear ndp colours. this small little thing, 我都看在眼里... :)

u are really nice to me despite hurting me.

but honey, maybe i will never know, and u will never ever wanna tell me.. but sometimes i wonder, when i see u online over whatsapp, are u really enjoying urself talking to ppl..? even thou i dont go and click on ur name all the time, but whenever the duration of ur reply gets longer, especially late in the night, sometimes i just click.. and almost without fail, u will be online.. and thoughts will invade me bcos i cannot ask u, bcos u wouldnt be willing to share with me.. i just cannot ask u anymore bcos u will only feel that there is no need for me to know.. and dislike me further.. bcos im envious.. bcos u may be chatting with someone.. u may be teasing someone.. u may be sharing alot more about ur life, your joy, your sianness, your sorrows with anyone else but me.. bcos i wonder when will u ever be able to dote on me and tease me again. this kind of envious, if filled with so much pain.. maybe, u wont understand how that feels.. u wont understand how pain it is for me to know u cannot be like this to me.. i know u feel guilty and bad.. u feel hurt when u hurt me.. its hard for me to feel how u feel with all that guilt when u dont want to be like that yet u are.. but similarly, u wont know exactly how i feel, to know all these of u.. sometimes what it feels now is, seeing u go further and further away from me.. 眼睁睁看着你，越来越远，我什么都做不了。这种痛，真的很痛。

i used to think that i will never be replaced. but now, i have no idea, am fearful that one day, i wont mean anything to u anymore. in your text that night, even thou u said u dont know if that day will come, but when u added in, if it will then it will.. my heart shattered.. maybe the only comfort is, maybe the day wont come.. at least for now, it hasnt. but the possibility that even u yourself is unsure of.. hurts a hell lot.

honey, no matter what happens, i know i will still choose to trust u..
but no matter what happens, i know, i wont be able to trust anyone else already..
i realised, i have no immunity against broken promises.

still counting my blessings, for u at least wont disappear totally. at least, u still hurt when u hurt me.. at least, i still mean sth.. for now.. at least i know that, through your own ways, u still care for me.

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