i wanted to blog before i met u, but i got lazy.

i wanted to pen down my happiness on my convo day. i wanted to keep that night of memory really close to heart because i dont know when will i get the chance to experience such happiness again. u have no idea how happy i was that day.

even thou i knew u were coming.. but i was overjoyed to know that u actually took time off so that u would make it on time for me. i really thought that u would just come over after work and not take time off specially for me. i was really happy to see u.. what added on was that u came with a bouquet of roses. do u know that the bouquet of roses from vday is still on my cupboard visible to me everyday.. even thou its high time to keep it in the box but i didnt do so cos i was thinking that it could be the last bouquet i will ever receive from u. if i keep it there wont be a next one.. so i m really happy for the bouquet, u make me happy like noone else can ever do. n most importantly, u took many pictures with me. and when u take the picture u did slightly put your hand at my back or waist. u nv know how much that slight touch made my smile. the jump shot, the heart shape jump shot all became my most precious memory.  i know that u did all these because it was my convo, it was a special once in a life-time day to me and so u just didnt want to disappoint me. i know it doesnt show anything. it doesnt mean anything. but still, every moment spent with u is a v precious moment i need to keep it in my heart. i know i need to collect more of such pictures and memories so that if one day u are no longer able to be by my side, these pictures will not leave me... even if it means im living in the past. but i really dont know how not to. oh and when i realised u actually allowed the pictures on your timeline i was really over the moon. i knew it when i saw ppl not my friends liking the photo. all the while i know u hide our pictures. i was abit sad but then i kinda accepted that cos i thought u allowing me to post is already a very big give in on your part. and so i was really happy when i allowed it.. even thou i think u prob dont feel much towards it. or even maybe think its not appropriate. but thank you.

im always thinking alot.. like u said.. but then i also duno how to stop being overly sensitive towards your. i dont know how can i stop thinking about whether u are happily talking to others or not. i dont know how to control my feelings and not get jealous.

i duno if u will think if i really love u so i cant let u go, or isit caused im too used to u and im afraid of being alone so i cant let u go. perhaps, if im willing to, i will be able to find someone else who will wanna date me. that will make me not alone anymore. but i duno why i dont want. even thou i have to admit that i dont like to be alone at time. there are some times when i really do need some company. but despite this, i dont want to have another guy into my life. no matter how good he is or how hard he tries, if i dont want then there is no use. which is indeed the case now. so do i really love u this much? i guess its hard to measure love and i cant use anything to say i do. but then, i can confidently say, i really love u more as the years went by. how much?theres no quantifier to it ba..

u know when we watched the movie just now.. its supposed to be horror or thriller.. and yes i really jumped quite abit too cos i didnt have your arms and warmth.. but thats not the point. the point is the movie made me tear. theres a sudden sadness when i saw the pilot having an affair because i rmb that u said if u forcefully be with me, u are afraid u will end up having an affair.. yes.. this is how much your words have hurt me.. its almost ingrained in me. and when i saw the couple acting like a couple when they are not. it seems like its us.. or rather me. and then my heart broke too when i saw them.. but in the face of life and death, it seems like they still loved each other.. for us, isit the same? if u knew that i will be gone soon, will things be different? and the part where the girl said before dying she thought of her first boyfriend.. well, that hurt me too.. i know i will think of u.. but thats all i can do.

i dont know why, but after all these while, my hurt is like never healing. never.
and honestly, just like u, after all these while, u still cant talk to me. your feeling towards me is like drained more than anything else. how much that hurt. and keeps hurting. i know the worst is not this. i just hope that the worst hurt will never come. maybe one day i will get used to such hurts like now. but please dont let me experience the worst hurt that i dont know if i can bear.

thank you for not disappearing. but no matter how much time has passed, there is no way im gonna be able to accept the fact that u chose to hurt me, even if u hurt yourself at the same time.

love is not a feeling, it is a choice. - i think this is a true statement when it comes to long lasting love. it is a choice. im still waiting to be your choice again. even if its a futile wait. it beats having no hope at all.

even thou i must say u are already being very nice, being the least heartless u can be. i know, i dint love the wrong person despite hurting now. but still, sometimes your words can stab me, really deep and hard.

if tmr was the end of the world, will u hold me in your arms again, and tell me u wont leave me?

if i can ever dedicate a song with a msg to u again, i would write just what u wrote to me before at the musical fountain. dont leave me.

sorry. memories like this, they will stay with me forever. and because of all these memories. i know i wont be able to stop loving u.

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