today i was quite emo.. or sian.. so i didnt want to do anything.. i just laid in bed for the whole day.. so much so that i literally collapsed in the toilet.. not just vision darken, i couldnt stand, i fell to the ground, and couldnt get up for awhile, almost in a half conscious state. it was scary. i wished u were right by me...

i thought and wanted to put in effort to break out of our vicious cycle. i wanna do sth to make a difference. i wanna give u more time alone than what im giving now. every wkend i thought meeting for a shorter time period means im putting in effort. but its not enough for u.. now i think of meeting you alternate wkends so maybe just meet u twice a month. but im not getting any respond from u... isit still insufficient? i really really wanna do things for u. i wanna make u feel better so that u will see that im worth coming back for. i wanna show u that im willing to sacrifice for your sake. even if it means that it will cause me to feel really scared, feel lost. but if all these pain can be exchange with a warm hug from u at the end of the day. its gonna be all worth it..  but when u dont respond, i duno if what im doing is enough. i know actions speak louder than words so im gonna to make sure i do the alternative wk thing as far as i can for this coming term. i duno if i will see any results at all but im trying really hard. please dont give up on me. please put in effort and hold on together with me.

today at piano lesson. a new song im suppose to learn is 'if we hold on together'. the instrumental was enough to bring tears to my eyes. while the teacher was playing i just felt really sad that i was fighting my tears back. honey, really, if we hold on together.. if only u are willing to hold on together with me...

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