busy with work...
busy with students...
busy with finding things to fill my time...

students whom i got close to made me feel happier recently... filling up some empty spaces..
but this doesn't replace anything..

went back to practicum sch, that same colleague 12 years older ask.. looking at my whatsapp status, means im still in the same state.. hmm yea.. i replied.. still the same.. but what can i do.. with a helpless smile..

hmm... and so recently, your texts to me is probably like 2 per day max? it makes me feel like ou are distancing yourself away.. it makes me feel like im no longer a part of your life. it makes me feel, im a nobody.. honestly, i would be quite sad.. but perhaps i learnt to cope with my emotions better now? although im still waiting.. im still waiting for your texts.. but when it doesnt come, i get sad in a different way now.. i dont tear as much these days.. i get sad inside. in a numb way... in a way that is all i can do now.. i feel upset knowing that these days u wont tell me anything even if u meet your friends.. i get sad hearing it from my other friends that they saw u here and there.. and im like oh really thats coincidental.. but actually i duno anything.. i feel that im unimportant.. when u dont share anything with me.. when u said u still will always treat me like a family... not that i m doubting you.. but really, sometimes u dont show it at all.. when u reply me with an 'okay'.. seriously.. is that the only thing u can say to me now? honey, im sure u have more to say even if its to a random, not close friend. and with all your schedules with your other friends whom you will willingly and happily save a date for.. i really really wish that you will save a date for me at times too.. doesnt have to be often.. but once in a while, i hope im still someone important enough to save a date for.. yes, all these, still affects me.. all these, still makes me sad inside, even if it may not appear so, so obviously now.. but still, im still waiting.. always waiting.. in the background.. whether or not u see it or feel it.. im just here.. waiting..

oh a happier note.. you agreed to meet me for lunch the other day.. even if its just a short 1 hr.. even if u still had nth to say to me.. even if u didnt even smile at me.. even if u were so reluctant to let me just have a hug.. just because u didnt reject me.. i was thankful..
and the mooncakes came as a pleasant surprise.. u didnt bother texting me much.. it was after mid-autumn, i really didnt think you would still buy anything for my family anymore.. but u did, n delivered it to me like in the past years.. im grateful.. i dont know if it shows anything.. but just grateful, that im not forgotten. that maybe somehow, u still do care for me.. after all, im not a nobody...

i will and am trying to be stronger.. with my own work and all..
but there are just sometimes, when i need a little outlet.. need a shoulder, just to be weak and lean on.. i dont get a hug.. or anything anymore.. so please just let me hug u for a second when i see u..

u know what, a student of mine told me.. "cher u know whats the first thing i did when i got my new phone? I went to calendars!" and it was to save my birthday. though i dont know how true it is, i believe it still.. and was thinking.. how sweet it is.. then u came into my mind.. i think you will probably not forget when my birthday is... but im kinda afraid for my birthday to come this year.. special occasions are the hardest to survive.. for now, its better not to think about it..

ive probably not been to the temple so frequently as compared to the past. whenever im around the area, i will make it a point to go earlier and drop by to pray first.. yea.. praying hard, that one day, my wait will be worthwhile..

hopefully, the space u are having now, is making u feel much better about everything..
hopefully u will also see in time to come, i can be independent at times too.. thou i agree, i cant be all the time.. i may not have change much... but as time goes by, maybe u will and hopefully u will, see that there are some slight changes.. and hopefully, feelings of me can go back to u someday...

不是说好，知道后，会告诉我的吗？

对于我说的话，对于你对我说的话， 倒底还有份量吗？

really, must u wait for me to ask u? so when u said u will tell me after i repeated myself so many times because i really wanna know this time, u ddint put that on your mind at all? it was just to make me shut up? its different when u tell me and when i ask u know... i dont cry over this. i learnt how to not cry over everything. but honey, i cant help but feel the sense of disappointment and sadness.

you once said, that even after everything, u will still regard me as a close family. honey, in your heart, if im still a family, if i will still remain as a family, give me a little family warmth from time to time hao ma..

few days ago, after a long talk. i felt terrible cos of all the mistakes that i have made.
if you really know what you want, why wont you tell me? have you given up totally on me? 真希望，你对我并没有彻底死心。希望，我不是自欺欺人。

at the wedding dinner, i realised how hurtful that whole atmosphere was to me. perhaps, if u were in my shoes, u wont feel the same. or will you? will u just think of me somehow?

even though u drag your msg alot.. i have no choice but to do so. but waiting for your texts, i... can only wait. after long hours working... it always gives me motivation when i see your reply. even if its just a super short one. and so when i see my phone empty, i guess im not sad, but im a little disappointed. cos u dont like to reply me? haiz.. but when u take a shorter time to respond, well, that will really make my day...

i dont need, i dont expect alot from you. but i still hope that eventually, you will wanna protect both u and me.

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