As I accidentally click on fb messenger. Onto the conversation we had. And then re-read the article you sent me. That it's ok to care, even when you shouldn't.
As I read it, tears welled up in my eyes involuntarily.

And that's why I know, even though on a day to day basis i no longer tear and cry and feel sad all the time. But then whenever it comes to the matter, actually I still feel the pain. i am envious of couples, newly weds, and even more young parents. Cos of the joy the baby brings. It has become a far-fetch dream now. Maybe something Unachievable.

To u, am I someone u still cares even when u shouldn't? What am I to u? Where do I stand in your life and heart? Do you still have a place for me? U have been treating me this way for the past year and seems comfortable with it already. And I too, seems to have customised myself to such a relationship with u, I seem to have come to a point that it doesn't matter anymore, as long as I can still see u, and still get your physical company. I wish at every chance I have for your acceptance again. I dream of the day u would embrace me in your arms once more.

As time goes by, I am frantically afraid that u would be used to days without me and u seriously no longer need or miss me anymore. Or even one day, no longer have feelings for me anymore. I'm afraid because u basically don't communicate with me. Probably the last person u would share anything with. Hurts so much. But yet theres nth I can do. Helplessly standing at the original
Spot, watching u going further away. I self-comfort myself and psycho myself that perhaps one part of u is still holding on too, so u are still giving me chance to be physically with u. Perhaps few years later, u will realise that hey actually this girl here is still waiting for u. And hey after these few years actually u still feel for me.. After these few years u can't accept anyone else. I pray hard for all those to become reality.

I'm sorry. Even if it appears to be ok, I really don't think I will ever move on without u. U will always be a part of me, irreplaceable. I know no one is responsible for my happiness. I know my flaw in character is to blame. Perhaps one day, we will be able to accept all our shortcomings and be determined to work hard for us? If that day even comes... But if it ever comes, I will treasure it more than ever, trust me. Because I know how terrible it is to lose it and will never ever want to experience it again..

I went for a course and one thing that struck me was this. Empathy is very difficult to achieve because it is very difficult to truly understand anyone. Unless u go through the exact some thing, and has the exact same character. Because the impact and feeling that one goes through is very difficult to truly feel exactly the same. maybe I can't fully understand u. But I will try my best to be understanding towards u. Similarly, I won't demand u to truly understand me, but just be u understanding towards me. I am waiting for a chance, a chance that u will willingly give, a chance that u want too. This no guarantee and insecurity is probably the most foolish and biggest gamble in my life. Investing all my youth into this. Obviously disadvantage and at a losing end. But just because I trust you. I believe in us. I am taking a leap of faith. Honey, a smile from u to me, will really make my day. A casual chit chat that u have with me, will me more than u ever imagined. Our relationship can only improve if that step is taken forward. And that is a choice u make. I will patiently wait.

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